Author Archives: f2x

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

“Hey kid!” the farmer shouts. “Where ya goin’ with that wire?”

“Well,” the kid drawls, “this ain’t just any ol’ wire, this-here’s chicken wire — I’m fixin’ to catch me some CHICKENS!”

“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”

“Sure I can!” the kid exclaims, and takes off down the road.

At the end of the day, sure enough, he’s got a whole mess o’ chickens caught in his chicken wire!

Our Farmer’s sitting on his porch the next day, finishing breakfast, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

“Hey kid!” the farmer yells. “Where ya goin’ with that tape?”

“Well, this-here ain’t just any ol’ tape, this here’s duck tape — I’m fixin’ to catch me some DUCKS!”

“You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” the farmer yells.

“Sure I can!” the kid replies, and takes off down the road.

He returns at twilight, and again, the farmer can’t believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks — all wrapped up tightly in tape!

The following day the farmer’s sitting on his front porch again, and the same kid comes walking down the road, carrying a stick.

“Hey kid!” the farmer mocks. “Where ya goin’ with that stick?”

“Well, this-here ain’t just any old stick, this here’s a pussy willow.”

“Hang on,” the farmer says, “’til I go fetch my hat!”

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You’ve both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There’s nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You’re absolutely satisfied, yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly, “Did you win, Dad?”

I have explained to him time and time again that you’re really just playing against yourself.

We were on vacation and I had gone out to play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of kids and surrounded by dozens of parents.

From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled, “Hey Dad! Did you have fun playing with yourself?”

We checked out that night.

Bill told his wife, “I’ve got a problem…”

She stopped him right there. “No, dear, WE have a problem. We’re in this together. We married for better or for worse, therefore, your problem is our problem.”

Bill sighed in relief. “Well, now it’s hardly worth mentioning.”

But his wife was insistent, “Go ahead, Bill. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Bill answered, “Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!”

Pat O’Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site.

When payday rolled around on Friday, Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute.

The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all.

When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty ‘Our Fathers’, twenty ‘Hail Marys’, and twenty ‘Decades of the Rosary’, and to put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat’s mate, Rory O’Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly.

After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat’s wages were more than double anything he’d made before.

Off he goes for a night on the town, gets drunk as a lord, and spends the night with a prostitute.

Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession.

After hearing Pat’s confession, the priest tells him to say a couple of ‘Our Father’s’ and drop a dollar in the poor box.

“But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty ‘Our fathers’, twenty ‘Hail Marys’, twenty ‘Decades of the Rosary’, and I had to fork over $20 into the poor box.”

“Ah, sure,” the priest responded, “But, what do they know aboout drinkin’ and fuckin’ in Philadelphia.”