The teacher had a curious issue with his class and asked the principal to weigh in. To demonstrate the problem, the teacher called on a student and asked him “Who killed Julius Caesar?”
The student was terrified, “I swear it wasn’t me! I never even met him!”
The teacher went around the room and asked the rest of the class, but they all gave the same answer. The teacher then turned to the principal and asked him, “Do you think such a response is normal?”
The shocked principal replied “Are you sure the killer is in this class?”
OK… I was originally going to rant about how good my dad’s home grown tomatoes are this year, but fuck it.
Hopefully the suffering won’t be in vain. Over the years I financially spent my way into a very deep hole trying to maintain a comfortable though rather modest standard of living. The idea was that I would receive steady raises and eventually make enough to pay it down and one day pay it off.
The employer that I served for 23 years castrated that plan by reducing benefits, imposing a pay freeze, and destroying multiple retirement plans, so I resolved to cut my losses. My original plan was to deliver Amazon packages while I cleared my head, but even though I actually landed that job, a different fate awaited me.
Instead, I had the good fortune to be approached by a head hunter which lead to a much higher paying position. I now have a very real chance at getting out of debt much sooner than I could have ever hoped. However, there is a downside. Being much older now, this opportunity is more of a challenge physically than I had anticipated. I was already pushing the red line at my last job, but my new job has seriously been rattling my bolts off.
So the possible outcomes are as follows:
1. The new job proves to be too much. Within weeks or months, I will fall back on Amazon, and short of bankruptcy, the old debt essentially never goes away. I struggle financially, but my standard of living won’t suffer. I will retire with only my meager social security benefits.
2. The new job takes a heavy toll, but in 2 years I will be completely out of credit card debt. In 4 years, completely debt free. It’s a new day and I’m a greeter at Walmart for my remaining years until I keel over dead.
3. My body adjusts to the new demands. I get out of debt. I start squirreling away every red cent until my passive income exceeds my wages. I retire to a cabin on a lake in the woods.
For now these are the three possible outcomes that are likely at this moment in time. My personal favorite is option three, but just “wanting it hard enough” is a load of bullshit. If fortunes change or my body cannot physically handle the position, it doesn’t matter how much I want it. Reality does not work that way.
And there is always an outcome that I could not possibly foresee, as my crystal ball is only for decoration. I just have to remind myself that Rome didn’t fall in a day and try to stick to the plan so long as it is practical. While I can’t let the doom and gloom news cycle psyche me out, I also have to pay attention to actual warning signs and take prudent steps when necessary.
The bottom line is, I still have to try. I am going to be worn out, cranky, and not in the mood for any of this shit, but option three is somehow feasible (though unlikely), and I have to try.
Kudos
Well, it looks like another week of reddit reposts. Honestly, I think these jokes are pretty solid. Don’t like these jokes? Submit jokes that you do like.
“Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
This past week has been a whirlwind of mayhem, but even though I unexpectedly got the weekend off, I spent most of it trying to mitigate the wear and tear on my body and soul. I hope you’ll forgive me if I’m a little late in posting this weekends admittedly weak “Rant”. I really needed the rest.
Kudos
Of course a big thanks to Big D for tossing a couple of jokes onto the bonfire. It was rounded out with a few jokes off reddit, but I thought they seemed like pretty good jokes. My apologies the viewer who seemed to be hailing from the east coast (New Jersey perhaps?) We generally like to post a slightly longer format joke for the daily joke but no “shaggy dog stories” please. If you’re going to post one liners, group a few related ones together.
As always, the submission page is the best way to add jokes to the queue. I even use it myself when adding jokes from reddit!
Sorry so short this week. I’m really looking forward to the fall and cooler weather.
One of the reasons I’m sticking with this new job is the money. I’ve described it as a modest pay raise, but I ended up getting more than I bargained for. When I went into the interview, my asking salary was that of my last job including its overtime. That was exactly what I got, and the overtime I get now is just money on top of my previous salary. Modest, right?
It turns out, I am getting double the overtime of the last job, and they also have a rather generous attendance bonus that I was not initially aware of. My pay increase has hardly been modest. The end result has been the ability for me to pay down some old credit card debt that has plagued me since the ’90s. Over the last 4 months I have managed to substantially reduce my debt down to a level that has me outright giddy. If all goes well, I should be debt free (excepting mortgage) in 27 months. And the house payment isn’t that far off either.
Debt free.
Free.
But of course it is not that simple either. Though I should have everything paid off by then, I have already made a commitment that once my Nissan Leaf is paid off, I am going to buy a new EV. At this time the Chevy Bolt EUV is favored for its stylish crossover appeal. On the other hand, the testosterone boosting F150 Lightning is also a major consideration. Part of the American dream is to buy a new car at least once in your lifetime, and while the 2022 model years look like they are going to be fantastic, the 2025’s should be all that and more!
I just hope that for once my shit doesn’t go all pear shaped like it usually does.
Kudos
OK, so I didn’t want to have to do this, but thanks reddit. The submission page is still open for anyone willing to share a joke or two. No worries though.
As mentioned above, I’m still working crazy amounts of OT, so new comics on the weekend are going to be a bit hit or miss.
A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.
“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I helped farm for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean and safe. And now, I spend my days volunterring for charities and giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a fucking liar! He never did any of that shit!”
So like I mentioned before, I am scheduled to work every single day in August. This is not as fun as it sounds. The only good things to come out of it will be my paychecks and the respect of my coworkers for putting up with this shit along side of them.
It is really astonishing how difficult it is to keep on top of the housework, yard work, and maintaining some semblance of leisure time. Certain things are actually frustratingly impossible to accomplish because every day I need to get a certain amount of rest, Gail and Alex require a certain amount of care, and I have to perform various necessary chores. If there is no time left for other things, then other things do not get done.
So bare with me while I try to hold shit together. Being human isn’t easy.
Kudos
Thanks again to Big D. He’s been the only one using the submission page of late. I still had to steal a joke off reddit to round out the week. Maybe next week I’ll have a comic? Maybe, but don’t hold your breath.
So I’m working this weekend… And next weekend… And every weekend in the foreseeable future. There is no end in site. I really don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I can barely handle 5 days a week, so this will be quite a challenge.
It’s gonna be rough, but if I manage to hang in there, the overtime/double-time will be enough to fund my increasing addiction to the stock market. Maybe if I can squirrel enough money into the right stocks, I might be able to bootstrap a retirement plan that doesn’t include me working till the day I die.
But then again, I’m pretty sure that once I buy a stock, someone on Wall Street makes a call and tells another guy, and then the word gets around, then they all agree in solidarity to just let that particular stock drop like a brick, just so I can never get ahead. In fact the CEO and Board of Directors for any stock I buy will also decide to scuttle their companies, and thus ensure that I never make fucking dime doing this shit.
Maybe I can use this curse to my advantage. Bezos, if you’re listening, I swear to god I will buy every share of Amazon I can get my grubby little mitts on until the value of your company goes into the negative! To keep me from buying your stock and effectively forcing you to live on cat food for your remaining years, please send me one MILLION dollars! Mwaa-ha-ha-ha-hah!
I’m so sick of working all the time.
Kudos
Of course a big shout out to my big homie, Big D, who came at me with 5 fantastic jokes for this week. Of course I’m only assuming it’s Big D because the submission page is kind of anonymous. Full disclosure: it records your IP address, so I can check that against an IP lookup site to see what ISP owns the IP address, but I can’t really tell who anyone actually is. I just assume it’s Big D because its coming from and ISP out of Cincy.
Oh, and the IP address is overwritten after the joke gets officially scheduled, so it’s not like there’s any incriminating evidence left from submitting a joke. Try it today! Everyone will be glad you did!
As the pandemic continues to spread throughout the ranks of the willfully ignorant, my smile is only diminished by the fact that the vast majority will survive. In any event, a certain demographic has lost its members in record numbers, and nearly everyone else is noticeably unsympathetic with that loss.
Currently about 250 people a day are dying from the ‘rona in the US. There for a while it got up to almost 4,000 in a single day. All told, nearly 1 in 5,000 Americans have died from the Wuhan flu, which makes me wonder, how are we going to kill the other 4,999?
Obviously you can’t kill them with the vaccine. If you count every person who died after taking any of the covid vaccines, and just assume it was the vaccine that did it, the kill ratio is only 1 out of every 56,000 people. And that’s about how many people would have been expected to die if there were neither a China Flu nor a vaccine. It looks like if we want to kill more people, we are going to need a lot more stupidity since science has failed us once again.
Kudos
I just want to acknowledge that Big D threw in a joke that will appear next week. This week’s jokes were all stolen from reddit. To keep me honest, you could try using the submission page a little more regularly, but in any event there are going to be jokes here by hook or by crook.
Also, I can’t say for certain if there is going to be a comic this coming weekend. I’m going to try, but work might get a little hectic.
So it's been kind of a mixed bag this year. Sadly, my Aunt Pam passed away back in February, then my cat, Alex, died in June. On the plus side, I got Murphy in August, and I finally managed to pay off what was left of my old revolving credit card debt that I've had hanging over me for 40 years.
Born on June 22, 2025, Murphy is about 6 months old as of this post. I picked him up off Craig's List for $10 when he was about 7 weeks old. Since then I've spent about $1300 over 5 vet visits to make sure he got all his shots and yes that includes neutering. Where Alex merely tolerated Gail, Murphy adores her. and the two are regularly seen snuggling up to one another. Those photos aren't staged. These two are really that close.
In spite of everything, I'm still gainfully employed. it's highly doubtful AI is going to take my job anytime soon, so I guess I can be thankful for that. On the other hand I recently found out I have chronic kidney disease, so that's no beuno. I won't find out until January if lifestyle and medication changes are going to be enough to keep it from progressing. Fingers crossed.
On a lighter note, I've started occasionally live-streaming Tarot card readings on Twitch. No, I don't actually believe in magical mumbo-jumbo, but there is an art to the craft. I look at Tarot as basically being psychology with flashcards. There are 78 cards, and each card can have different and multiple meanings depending on its context. When you know what you're doing you can ALWAYS match randomly dealt cards to the context. Form a coherent narrative around the cards and you can actually gain an altered perspective on your situation that may give you more confidence in facing your problems.
So that's about it for 2025. Not gonna lie: While it wasn't all bad, this year sucked pretty hard. I can't make any promises, but I fully intend on putting out more than 2 comics in 2026, and I might even include a few more jokes and rants.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!
Pax,
-f2x
September 2026
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
