Rat

A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, “Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter.” She begins with the letter “A” and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer.
Mary stands and says, “A…Apple” The teacher replies, “That’s great, Mary, good job.” So she moves on to the letter “B”, and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say “Bitch” or something like that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, “B…Baseball.” And the teacher replies, ” Good Job, Todd.”
So they start going through the alphabet and the class’ attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter “R” and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. “Okay Johnny, what starts with R?” she says. “R…Rat” Johnny replies.
“Rat, …that’s it…rat?” the teacher questions with astonishment.
“Yeah,” says Johnny, “Big-ass mother-fuckin’ rat with a dick 12 inches long.”

Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the
same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and
it turned out beautifully,” he said. “Excellent, Michael!” Then, the
teacher called on little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my
sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful,
just fucking beautiful!'”

Explaining The Birds and Bees to Little Johnny

Little Johnnys’ Dad realized it was time to have “The Talk” with him. After a long and uncomfortable chat about the birds and the bees he paused and asked little Johnny if he had any questions.
Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says”Just one. What does a vagina look like?”
Well asks the Dad, before sex or after?
Little Johnny says, Before sex I guess.
Dad says, Picture if you will a bueatiful flower with soft delicate petals.
Oh says Johnny. Sounds nice. Just out of curiosity what does it look like after sex?
Well says Dad, picture if you will a bulldog eating mayonnaise.

The Polite Way to Excuse Oneself

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’

Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying:

‘That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said :’I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’

Johnny said: ‘I would say: May I please be excused for a moment? I have to go and shake hands with a very dear friend of mine that has been hanging around; i hope to introduce you to him after dinner.’

The teacher fainted.