Ugly Jane

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.

“Honey,” said the Psychic. “You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.”

Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, “The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.”

She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn’t die!

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, “Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!”

Story Time: The Coochie Wax

So first time ever I decide like a dumbass to wax my downstairs lady stash. I didn’t want the embarrassment of going to a place, so I got a kit off Amazon(yay prime).

So i’m all cool putting the hot ass wax on the lady lips trying to cool her down because she’s getting angry and I’m bent all weird one leg up on the counter hand drying that shit with like a maxi pad I found in the drawer.

I had my husband pull it because I attempted it and I was like yeah that shit can just stay there forever now.

The position ain’t working of standing, here I am hobbling my ass to the bed like a humpback witch because the wax is hard and I can’t move right.

Hop up on the bed spread wax eagle like my lady cave got a tar pit in it. So hes like one…two…three and rips that shit off like he was starting the goddamn lawnmower and I swear I blacked out and saw my life flash before my eyes.

While yelling so many obscenities, I’m sure my neighbors heard it and assumed he fucked me to death.

I told my husband fuck you, I hope you enjoyed that shit and enjoy these bald ass meat curtains because I ain’t ever doing that shit again

The Effects of Magnesium Citrate

Absolute truth…

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I’m glad you asked…

12:05 pm: It’s time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR and you don’t want to be a pansy in front of your older brother’s friends.

It’s suppose to be grape flavored but it’s becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you’ve been saving it for the apocalypse because let’s face it…that time is here. It’s going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don’t care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You’re about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted shit in your colon and you basically just drank the “safe for humans” version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it’s time. You’re wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.
Take note…this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it’s boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you…you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run… NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3…2…1…

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God…is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The shit/ water mixture you’ve just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That’s just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving…when you were 5. The smell is horrid…the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your asshole to soften the blow but it’s not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shit fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything’s a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800’s, and your asshole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.
You’re now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they’ve seen in the last 8 hours.

You’re broken.

Your asshole’s broken.

Your spirit’s broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But…tomorrow’s a new day. You’re going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn’t have a shit stain on it, and you’re going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left…and buy yourself a new toilet brush.

You’ve earned it.

Sunday, January 3, 2021

I Have No Idea What Comes Next

After 2020, things couldn’t possibly get any worse, could they? Well, they could, and it is prudent to brace yourself for the possibility that the apocalypse was just getting warmed up.

On the other hand, perhaps the worst is behind us, or at least we will have a reprieve while the Kraken naps for a few more years.

One thing I pretty much know isn’t about to happen:

We ain’t gonna go back to the way things were.


Kudos

There are a number of jokes still left in the queue from the anonymous donor who used our submission page. Thanks again, whoever you are.

“You know how sometimes you tell yourself that you have a choice, but really you don’t have a choice? Just because there are alternatives doesn’t mean they apply to you.” ― Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Pax,

-f2x

For Lack of a Lawn Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.