A man was sitting at the bar, staring into his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over and asked “What’s the problem, pal?”
With a heavy sigh, the man explained, “My brother just told me that there’s a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $50 for a donation.”
“Yeah, so?” asked the bartender.
“Don’t you see?” the man cried. “I’ve let a fortune slip through my fingers!”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They devised a fool proof plan and put their plan into action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car. Finally, the blonde burst out of the bank, with the alarm blaring. Behind her, the blonde was lugging a safe with a rope tied around it.
The security guard ran out of the bank with his pants down around his ankles as he attempted to pull out his gun.
The blonde tried to put the safe in the car but gave up and left it behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut as the car sped away.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?”
The blonde blurted out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”
The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”
An old farmer was getting concerned that his three daughters might not be as innocent as he raised them to be.
He was very concerned with how much they already knew about sex, so he decided to find out.
The farmer brought his 16-year-old daughter into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and said “Do you know what this is?”
“Yes, daddy,” said the young lady. “That’s a penis.”
The farmer exploded! He couldn’t believe it! “You’re grounded for a year!” he exclaimed, “and you’re going to read the Bible every day!”
He then brought his 14-year-old into the bathroom, and dropped his pants. “Do you know what this is?”
“Yes, daddy,” said the child. “It’s a penis”
Unbelievable! He grounded her for 2 years, and took away her allowance for the next four years!
Finally, he brought his 12-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and asked, “Do you know what this is?”
“No, daddy, I don’t.”
“What a good girl! I’m very proud of you! I’m going to raise your allowance! Anyway, this is called a penis.”
The girl laughed and said, “You call THAT a penis?!”
Surviving Strep
Something I’ve been keeping a low key on was an ongoing sore throat. I figured it would eventually go away, but then it got hard to swallow. As of right now, my throat still hurts, but I’m finally on antibiotics. Let’s hope I can be rid of this in the next few days.
So why did I let it go on for so long? Partially because I was needed badly at work, and also because you couldn’t get in to see a doctor face to face because of the whole Covid19 hype. After the first of the month, a few places started opening back up. I was able to get in to see someone to swab my throat, confirm it was strep, and prescribe the antibiotics.
Of course now they’ve added “sore throat” to the list of symptoms for Covid19, but a month ago they were telling us that it wasn’t a symptom. Next month they are probably going to tell us that “blue eyes” is a symptom of Covid19. No wonder the nut jobs think this is a hoax.
When one side starts to get paranoid and the other side gets frustrated and annoyed, good things never happen.
Kudos
George keeps sending “inspirational” emails, so we are still relying on Glenn for the jokes. Maybe you should try getting off your lazy ass and help by sending jokes to my submission page or drop me a laugh or two off at my flush2x@gmail.com email address.
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” ― Aesop
Pax,
-f2x
A Jewish girl explained to her Catholic college roommate that she would need to go home for Rosh Hashanah in late September.
The Catholic girl asked, “Is this the holiday when you light the candles?”
“No,” the Jewish girl replied, “That’s Hanukkah.”
“Is that when you eat unleavened bread?” the Catholic girl inquired.
“No,” the Jewish girl corrected, “That’s Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday where we blow the shofar.”
“That’s what I like about you Jewish people,” remarked the Catholic girl. “You’re so good to your hired help.”
A woman was at her local grocery. She rushed up to the register with her items and set them on the conveyor.
The clerk had his back turned to her, so she cleared her throat and said, “Excuse me, I’m in a hurry. Could you please check me out?”
The clerk turned around, looked her up and down, and said, “Nice tits!”
A beautiful young woman was getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glanced out her fifteenth-story bedroom window and saw a window washer outside.
Thinking she would rattle him, she slowly took off her dress. The window washer just went about the business of cleaning the windows.
Next, she removed her slip in a very provocative manner. Still, the man just kept working away.
Taking her striptease to the full extent, she took off her bra and panties and began parading around her room. The window washer still took no notice of her.
Finally, the woman walked over to the window and just stood there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.
At last the window washer put down his pail and said, “What’s the matter, lady, haven’t you ever seen a window washer before?”
Chad and his wife were watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” while lying in bed.
Chad turned to his wife and asked, “Do you want to have sex?”
“Not tonight,” she answered.
“Well, is that your final answer?” he asked wryly.
Rolling her eyes his wife said, “Yes.”
Chad remarked, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started.
A man went to the doctor and complained, “My asshole is too big.”
The doctor told the man to drop his pants and bend over so he could have a look. “Good Lord!” cried the doctor. “What could have made your asshole as big as that?”
Patient explained “I was fucked by an elephant.”
The doctor remarked “But an elephant’s penis is nowhere near that wide!”
The patient replied “He fingered me first.”
