Gail’s Pic of the Week
Happy First Birthday Gail!
August 4 was Gail's birthday. She's come a long way since she was a little puppy, and she still has a long way to go.
Can I be frank though? I got Gail to help me cope with the loss of my beloved Grace who passed away nearly a year ago. Unfortunately this did not pan out like I'd hoped. Gail is a beautiful Labrador, but when you see her in person, it's apparent she lacks the lovability that Grace had.
She has no impulse control. When you try to pet her she wants to chew on you, or jump on you, or claw/kick you. Not in a mean way, but in an overexcited loss of control way. She also swings her head around like it was a mace on a battle field.
She barks a lot. A LOT. She growls and barks at dogs and cats on the TV. She also howls like a %^&*ing beagle. This can happen out of the blue for no reason, and it's beyond infuriating. It's 3AM, not a creature in the whole neighborhood is stirring, and suddenly this dog starts howling and barking. Oh, the neighbors are not amused.
She's a digger! Yeah, all dogs will dig, but this is done out of spite. It's a shame I don't have the mineral rights to my lot. If I let her out, and don't supervise her the whole time, she will start excavating.
I could go on, but suffice to say, living with Gail has been a rather unpleasant and thus far unrewarding challenge. If I had known then what she would be like at one year, I would not have gotten this dog.
If there's anything good to say, she seems like she's genuinely happy here. She likes the food, the treats, the car rides, the walks, the games of fetch, and torturing the cat. Sometimes she even seems to like me.
Happy Birthday, Gail.
GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
Yes, it’s a usable search function! Try it!
A little girl asks her father: “Daddy, what is corruption?”
— Go bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.
— But mommy said you should stop drinking!
— Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
— Oh, okay!
(just saw this on Reddit and figured you’d probably like it. — The Oldest Rater)
Now that I’m back, I thought I’d dig out one from the original archive that made me laugh so hard I almost shit myself:
Sent: Thursday, June 19, 2003 9:05 AM
Cc: 'email@example.com'; 'firstname.lastname@example.org'
Subject: Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter
Dear Carb Solutions,
I'm trying to lose a few pounds and last night I tried your Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter (Serial Number: MC53097 BEST BY040704) for the first time. The bar was a substitute for my dinner because I was on the road. I want you to know that I have discovered your secret formula for weight loss and I plan on stealing it. I too will make something so truly disgusting in taste that it makes the victim... err, uhhh... "dieter" not want to eat anything because they're physically nauseous. This morning I defecated an exact replica of the bar I ate last night. I plan on taking my feces and your bar to shopping malls and asking people to take a bite of each and see if they can tell the difference. It is true that my butt won't be able to produce as many "Taste Sensations" as your company can, but at over $2 a bar it will be a nice second income for me. Like your company, I will probably only be able to sell one bar to a customer before they decide never to buy from me again -- so I'll have to keep moving all of the time. They'll probably make a movie about me.
Soon to be your competitor...