Monthly Archives: March 2020

The town had been overrun by squirrels. Desperate, the Mayor brought in dozens of stray cats. Unfortunately the cats made things worse, pooping in people’s gardens, killing songbirds, and overturning trashcans. The mayor had to get rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The owner of the hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels were back again, and this time they brought some of their friends from the forest.

Finally the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. So now the squirrels only come around on Christmas and Easter.

A lawyer had just successfully defended a major crime lord of all charges stemming from racketeering, dealing drugs, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.

As he was leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabbed him by the arm and scolded, “Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I’ve never seen such a shameless display. Why, I believe you would defend Satan himself!”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” the lawyer replied casually. “But tell me, what has your boy done?”

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. The man replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”

The bartender then asked, “Would you care for a cigarette?”

The man replied, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”

Not giving up, the bartender invited the man to play a game of pool, but again the man responded with, “No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but I’m waiting for my son.”

The bartender remarked, “Let me guess… Your only son?”

Sandy invited Mitch to her house for dinner. When he arrived he saw that she had a couple of dogs. As the dogs greeted the young man, he asked, “What are their names?”

“Well oldest is named ‘One’ and the other is called ‘Two'” explained Sandy.

As Mitch petted the furry critters he asked, “Why did you name them that?”

With a gleam in her eye she said, “Well I figured that when One dies, I’ll still have Two.”

In the Army, Airborne soldiers attend special training to parachute out of planes. During one particular class, the topic was on what to do in the event that the main parachute fails. After covering the basics on the reserve parachute, one soldier raised his hand.

After the instructor acknowledged the young private, he asked, “How long do we have to deploy the reserve if the main parachute malfunctions?”

Looking the troop square in the face, the instructor replied, “The rest of your life.”

Mitch saw a gorgeous lady at the end of the bar and flashed his best smile at her.

The woman noticed and immediately took interest. She casually strolled down the bar towards him, and took a seat next to him.

“I couldn’t help but notice your smile,” she said in a sultry tone. “Could I interest you in leaving this bar and going someplace else?”

Grinning from ear to ear, Mitch replied, “Sure thing, darlin’. Where to?”

She looked into his eyes and cooed, “The dentist.”

Bob stopped over to see his buddy Jason, and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can’t believe it!” exclaimed Bob. “That has to be the smartest dog that ever lived!”

Jason shrugged, “He ain’t that smart. I’ve beat him the last three out of five.”