Monthly Archives: March 2020

The printer output on the work center began to grow faint, so the business owner called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told the business owner he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Surprised by the candor, the business owner asked, “Does your boss know that you’re discouraging business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

It seemed like the honeymoon was over before it started, and the unhappy couple decided to end their marriage after a very short time. They had already went to a marriage counselor in an attempt to reconcile, but to no avail the couple ended up in court to finalize their divorce.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on a single thing.”

The wife interjected, “Seven weeks.”

A gentleman walking down the street was passing a restaurant. As he strolled by he noticed the diner next to the window was eating the biggest, juiciest steak he had ever seen.

When he got back to the office, he told his associates about what he saw, and they were all very excited to see these enormous steaks for themselves. After work, the group went to the restaurant for supper.

They asked to be seated near the back of the restaurant, and were handed their menus, but they knew what they wanted and promptly ordered their steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out the smallest steaks they’d ever seen.

“Now see here,” the embarrassed gentleman said to the waiter. “Earlier today when I walked by your establishment, you served BIG, juicy steaks. Now that my friends and I are here, you are serving these small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?”

“Well, sir,” replied the waiter, “You and your friends aren’t sitting by the window.”

The mother of a teenage son sought the counsel of a local preacher. She was concerned about what her boy would grow up to be. The preacher smiled and assured her that he knew of a way to find out.

While the boy was at school, the preacher went into the boy’s room and placed four objects on his bed. A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.

“We will hide behind the door,” explained the preacher to the mother, “and when he comes home from school this afternoon, we’ll see which object he picks up.

“You see, if he chooses the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! On the other hand, if he picks up the coin, he’ll be a business-man, and that would be okay too. If he picks up the bottle, he’s destined to be a no-good drunkard, and that would be a shame, but worst of all is if he picks up that magazine. That means he’s going to be a skirt-chasing pervert!”

The mother and preacher waited anxiously until the boy came home and went to his room.

The boy tossed his school books onto the floor, and with a curios eye, he inspected the four items that had been placed on his bed. Finally, he placed the Bible under his arm, put the silver dollar in his pocket, and took a swig from the bottle while admiring the naked centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher whispered in horror, “He’s going to be a politician!”

Bill suffered from chronic respiratory issues, so his doctor suggested he move to Arizona for his health.

After he got settled into his new home, he noticed that an old man lived next door. Bill went out to meet the old man and said, “My doctor told me to move here for my health. So tell me, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the old man replied. “Why when I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word, I had hardly a hair on my head, I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That’s wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you lived here?”

The old man smiled, “I was born here.”

A painter named Jack always tried to save a buck whenever he could, so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He somehow managed to get away with this for some time.

One day, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

He erected the trestles. put up the planks, and started thinning down the paint with turpentine.

As Jack was up on the scaffolding painting away, there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

A shy little 4-year-old went with his mother to a department store.

The store manager tried to strike up a conversation with the boy by asking, “How old are you?”

No response.

The manager then asked, “Don’t you know how old you are?”

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

“Oh,” replied the manager, “and do you know how old that is?”

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the manager asked, “Can’t you talk?”

The shy little child looked at him and replied, “Yes, can’t you count?”

As George and Alex sat at the bar, George remarked, “My sex life is just like my Corvette!”

Alex cocked his head and raised his eyebrow before saying, “George, you don’t have a Corvette.”

George replied, “My point exactly!”