At a certain point, their really is not anything worth reporting. Gail is getting bigger, she eats, sleeps, poops, pees, and attacks me in my sleep at 3 o’clock in the morning because she wants to play.
She digs in the yard, chases the cat, and runs from the vacuum cleaner. It is your basic dog stuff.
Of course she is quite a bit bigger now, and she keeps growing. At 14 weeks Gail weighs 27 pounds (12kg). Online estimation calculators suggest she will ultimately weigh between 62 and 68 pounds (~30kg), and personally I am hoping we can do better than that.
So unless she does something noteworthy, I’m going to put this topic to bed for a while. Puppies are cute and all, but there is more to life than blogging about them.
Puss Sucker Joe lived in New York city. He had learned his trade from his father and still practiced it, even in these modern times. He knew all of the in’s and out’s of how to suck a boil clean of all it’s nasty puss and other ingredients. Joe was actually quite successful at this occupation. He received plenty of business by advertising online, getting referrals, and of course word of mouth advertising.
One day Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil and was in need of his services.
Joe informed the woman that he would be happy to help, and that his standard fee was $50.00. The woman agreed, set up an appointment, and gave directions to her home.
Upon arriving at the woman’s house, he told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it posthaste.
The woman explained to Joe that the boil was in an extremely sensitive area of her body, about an inch below her crotch on the inner thigh.
Joe replied, “No problem, but that will be another $20.00”.
She agreed, but then told Joe that there might be another problem. She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period.
Joe explained, “That’s OK too, but there will be an additional $30.00 fee.”
Again, she agreed, and Joe finally got down to performing his service.
Five minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn’t help herself and let loose a thunderous fart.
His mouth dripping with puss, Joe pulled away from his task and exclaimed, “What the hell, lady? Are you trying to make me sick?”
Several women appeared in court. Each one was accusing the others of causing trouble in the apartment building where they lived.
Their cackling and bickering filled the courtroom until the judge was forced to use his gavel. With Solomon-like wisdom, the judge stated, “I’ll hear from the oldest woman first.”
After a prolonged silence, the case was dismissed.
A bear walked into a bar, held out a twenty, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender took the twenty, mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the bear, and handed the bear a few coins in change.
After a few minutes, the bartender remarked, “You know, I think you are the first bear I’ve ever seen in this bar!”
The bear looked at the change in his paw and said, “And at these prices, I’ll be the last bear you’ll ever see in this bar too.”
Justin crawled into the police station pleading for help. The officers on duty immediately tried to administer first aide, but could find no apparent injury. They helped him into an office, sat him down in a chair, and asked him what happened.
“My wife tried to kill me…” he stammered as one of the officers began taking notes. “We were sitting in the living room, talking about what to do if the unthinkable ever happened. I told her, ‘Dear, I don’t want to be kept alive on machines and liquids. If you see me in a vegetative state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive.'”
Justin continued, “It was then that my wife got up from the sofa and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable,
the DVD player, my computer, and my Xbox. If that wasn’t bad enough, she went into the fridge and tossed out all of my beer!”
So today’s problem is that Gail seems to lack any inkling of empathy. Sure, to outside observers she seems adorable, but behind those cute puppy eyes, I get the feeling that there’s no one actually there.
To contrast with Grace, I could feel the presence of another soul, as in literally feel it. This might sound a little crazy, even a little macabre, but hear me out.
As I held on to Grace during her euthanasia, I felt her presence leaving after the first injection and said so out loud. The vet then informed me that she was in fact dying at that very moment. He told me the first injection was actually lethal, and that even if he did nothing else, she would still die, but it would just take longer. The second injection is used to get it over with and immediately stop the heart.
It was a shitty time to learn that little bit of trivia, but I digress.
The point is, I can feel that presence… that ghost inside. It’s something that is real. You can feel it when you hug someone verses hugging a pillow. It’s not just their pulse, their warmth, and the rise and fall of their chest as they breath. There is something in them. I like to think it is their soul.
You know, for some reason I cannot remember a whole lot about Grace’s transition from puppy to dog. That first year was a bit of a blur, but it seemed like from the start that she was in there. I don’t get that same sense with Gail. As spunky and lively as Gail is, it’s like she’s a simulation of a dog.
I dunno… Maybe it takes time for that spark to develop. On the plus side, she continues to grow at an astonishing rate, she seems genuinely content, she eats her dog food, begs for dog treats, has endless energy to play with me and her toys, is very healthy, and has adjusted well to her new home… If only it felt like she were actually in there.
Kudos
OK, it’s the usual spiel. You can thank George and/or Glenn for this week’s jokes. Not that anyone else would ever bother, but the submission page is still there… gathering dust. I’ve also got an interesting spam collection happening with flush2x@gmail.com, but you could also send me jokes through that e-mail address as well.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx
Morris slept with his neighbor’s wife. At first it seemed that the neighbor was none the wiser, but 9 months later when the baby arrived, it was quite apparent that things didn’t add up. The Neighbor’s wife broke down and confessed her infidelity to her husband.
Armed with the truth, the neighbor confronted Morris. “I know what you did!” he yelled at Morris, “And I’m going to make you pay for this!”
“Rubbish!” countered Morris. “Why should I have to pay twice?”
As mentioned a few weeks ago, I lost my beloved orange tabby, Alex, on June 19, 2025. While he had an amazing 16 year run, his passing came much sooner than it should have. I still miss him dearly.
Fortunately cats are pretty easy to come by. All you need is Craigslist and a little patience. After watching religiously for about 7 weeks, anyone could find the exact cat they were looking for... and that's how I got Murphy! Come to think of it, that's kinda how I got Alex as well.
Murphy was born on June 22, 2025. This tasty little hash brown was listed Tuesday night. I texted the number the next morning and went right round to go see him that afternoon. He was perfect, so I paid the $10 "rehoming" fee and took him to be my newest, bestest buddy.
Ten bucks probably sounds like a pretty good deal, right? Well... Yesterday he had his first vet appointment, and the bill wasn't cheap. I already knew he had ear mites because he had been scratching at his ears, so I swabbed them and looked at it under an old microscope of mine. Let's just say they threw in the ear mite cleaning FOR FREE because they were already able to cover a yacht payment with everything else they charged me for!
His follow up booster shot is in 3 weeks. Cha-ching! smh.
As of this Sunday, I've had him a total of about 4 days, and so far he's cost me well over $500! At least he's comfortable and feels right at home. While he can't jump up on the bed yet, his needle like claws allow him to climb up the side of the mattress like Spider-cat, and then he likes to snuggle up with me an Gail... Which kinda worries me, cuz him being so small and all, he's liable to get flattened!
To recap: I got another cat. He's orange, he's smol, and he's a little spitfire. That's about all I have to say on the subject at the moment, but I'm sure there will be more photo ops along the way.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
