Two old men were arguing over their doctors.
The first one said, “I don’t trust your doctor. For nearly a year, he treated old Smitty for his kidneys, and then Smitty up and died of liver failure!”
“So what makes you think your doctor is any better?” asked his friend.
“Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be damn sure you’re gonna die of a kidney ailment!”
One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all of the hay.”
Jerry had an awful day fishing on the lake. He sat in the blazing sun all day and didn’t even get a nibble.
On his way home, he stopped at the fish monger’s. He told the man behind the counter, “Can you get me four large catfish, but don’t bother wrapping them up.”
“Why don’t you want them wrapped, sir?” asked the young salesman.
“Because I want my wife to think that I caught them,” explained Jerry.
“Oh, I see, sir,” the salesman said with a smile. “In that case, I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“Why is that?” asked Jerry.
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you should come in, I should tell you to take orange roughy because she would prefer it for tonight’s supper.”
Got Promoted (for real this time)!
This isn’t really a rant, but I thought I’d crow about it here. They finally posted a lead position at work. Yes, I had to apply for it. It was just a formality. They opened a lead position, I filled out the paperwork, and now I’ve got my own desk!
My employer had been testing me in various lead positions for a while, but now this one is an official, bonafide, job title and pay change promotion. I did it, baby! I have arrived!
To be honest, the posting and promotion came a couple weeks ago. I just haven’t gotten around to telling anyone about it yet. I’ve been too busy working. It doesn’t matter how much they promote you, a job is still a job, and there’s never enough time to get it all done.
I’ve had to rearrange the department. The original work flow, was neither working nor flowing. My workers, supervisor, and everyone else who’s seen it, have been somewhat impressed by the changes, so that’s a good thing. I still need to start actually hitting the numbers, but the initial results look very promising, and I’m sure that within a few weeks the production output will grow beyond satisfactory.
Of course I’d love to tell you that I got this job based solely on the fact that I am such a wonderful worker. I’d like to be able to say that I earned this job, because I was the cream of the crop. I’d love to make it seem like out of the dozens of qualified applicants, they picked me! I’d like to say all those thing, but the truth is, they couldn’t really find anyone else who wanted the job.
It’s a dirty job with a lot of heavy lifting and endless paperwork. Being in a lead position means I have to drop everything I’m doing at a moments noticed to help regular production workers get back on track, then try to pick up where I left off. I’m not only responsible for my work, but the work and safety of all those around me as well.
Oh my God… What I have done?
Anyway, it’s official and for keeps this time, and I like having my own desk.
Kudos
This week, I want to thank you, the viewer, for stopping by and laughing along with the jokes and comics. I also want to give thanks to by contributors, Glenn and George, for their help in providing the jokes. Of course anyone can use our submission page or send a jokes to flush2x@gmail.com. Every little bit helps!
Right now, someone you love is thinking about you.
Pax,
-f2x
At the bar, Mark was telling his friend Bill that his wife had won a free trip to a day spa.
“She said they treated her like royalty,” explained Mark. “She got a massage, did up her hair, painted her nails, and they even gave her a mudpack facial.”
“I bet she looked amazing when she got home,” commented Bill.
“Well, yeah, she looked great for two days,” said Mark. “But then the mud fell off.”
As a the date of the solar eclipse approached, the director of a local planetarium published a warning in the local newspaper about the eclipse, and warned the community not to look directly into the sun.
The newspaper then received an indignant letter from a local resident. “If an eclipse is so dangerous,” she reasoned, “they should never have decided to hold one in the first place and ought to cancel it!”
A couple was sitting in the living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife remarked, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asked the husband.
“It’s me,” replied the wife. “I was talking to the wine.”
At the Parent-Teacher conference, the discussion focused on little Billy’s low grades.
“As Billy’s teacher,” Mrs. Crabtree began, “I can assure you that I’ve done everything to encourage the boy to learn the material. He simply lacks the capacity to learn along side the other students.”
“This is terrible news that you’re telling us,” cried Billy’s mother. “Surely there must be something positive you can tell us about our boy.”
“I can only think of one thing,” sighed the teacher. “With grades like this, he’s obviously not cheating.”
