The Substitute Confessional

The local priest had to attend an out of town meeting for a few days, but didn’t have anyone to cover for him in the confessional.

He asked his rabbi friend across the street at the synagogue. The rabbi said he’d be delighted to help, but didn’t have the foggiest idea of how confession worked.

Understanding the rabbi’s ignorance on the subject, the priest suggested that the rabbi “sit-in” on a few confessions just so he could get the hang of it.

So the priest and rabbi waited together in the booth for someone to come give their confession.

Finally a man showed up and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery three times in the past week.”

The priest then advised the man, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

After the first man left, another man entered and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery three times in the past week.”

Again, the priest advised, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

After the man left, the rabbi said, “I think I got the idea. Let me take the next one.”

A moment later another man entered the booth, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery once this past week.”

Knowing he’s got a handle on this, the rabbi advised, “Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.”

Flu Follow-up

Vicki was still feeling a bit weak and not up to par after her recent bout with the flu, so she went to see her doctor again.

After a quick examination, he said, “You look weak and exhausted! What have you been doing? Are you getting out in the fresh air, getting enough exercise, and having your meals 3 times a day, as I advised on your last visit?”

Vicki looked up, a bit surprised and exclaimed, “Oh doc, I’ve sure been getting the first two, but on that last one, I could have sworn you said three males a day!”

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Time to be Sick

I really thought I was going to outsmart this cold that I’ve got right now. I had my strategy all planned out in the event that I should ever get sick again. And of course it all went sideways.

I suppose it could be worse. I’ve definitely been a lot sicker than this in the past, but after all the effort I put into irrigating my sinuses I was hoping that this season’s rhinovirus would take it a lot easier on me.

Of course it decided to settle into parts previously unknown to me, and the pain… Oh the pain! Well, you get the idea. And of course the irrigation merely delayed the inevitable. Right now my sinuses are so plugged up, my teeth feel like they’re going to pop out!

With any luck this should all be over in time for the next weekend. Until then!

Pax,

-f2x

Ruined the Moment

Veronica was talking to her friend Stacy over coffee at the cafe. “The biggest problem I have with my husband is that he can ruin even the best sex with only three words.”

“What three words could do that?” asked Stacy.

“Right as I was in the middle of my orgasm,” explained Veronica, “I heard him say, ‘Honey, I’m home!'”

Marital Pairings

While reading the newspaper, Thomas came across an article about a beautiful and talented actress who married a male celebrity noted for his ability to be rather unpleasant at times.

“I’ll never understand,” he said to his wife, “why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife smiled and said, “Why thank you, dear!”

The Proper Dance Attire

An older man and woman were flirting with one another at their local senior single’s bar.

After a few drinks, the old man asked the old woman, “If I took you out for a full night of dancing, what do you think you would wear?”

The old woman shyly replied, “Depends.”

“Depends? Depends on what?” he asked quizzically.

“On my derriere, where else?!” she replied curtly.

Dent Removal

Michelle was a very bad driver. After an unfortunate mishap in a parking garage, she took her vehicle to an auto mechanic.

Seeing that the young woman was quite blonde, the mechanic decided to have a little fun at Michelle’s expense. “We don’t do bodywork at this shop, but I can tell you an easy way to fix the dents. Just blow really, really hard into the tail pipe, and it will pop ’em all out!”

She thanked him for his wonderful advice and went home to give it a try. After the tailpipe had cooled off, she opened her mouth really wide and placed her lips around the tube. She then started to blow as hard as she could. She kept huffing and blowing until she turned purple!

It was then that her husband came home and asked her, “What on earth do you think you’re doing?!”

After explaining to her husband how she was trying to remove the dents from her car, he shook his head and said, “That will never work, dear. You forgot to roll up the windows.”

The Call Girl’s Apartment

A high-priced call girl brought a customer to her upscale apartment. He admired the fancy furnishings and the fine art on the walls. After a short while he asked how she was able to amass such splendor.

She replied that the furnishings and artwork were actually her father’s, and that he had been a politician for over forty years.

With and understanding smile the man asked, “So why you didn’t follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life?”

The strumpet sighed and said, “Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold.”

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Happy Easter

Easter just so happens to coincide with today’s regularly scheduled rant, so I thought I’d go ahead and make this rant Easter themed. Of course there’s a trade off. Since Easter is only for one day, and this post sticks around for a full week, it’s going to look pretty dated rather quickly. Holidays are like that. Once they’ve passed, people generally want to remove all traces of their existence for the next 10 months.

So happy Easter homies!

Pax,

-f2x