Taking too Long to Tee off

Marty stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Marty explained, “and I want to hit the perfect shot.”

“You can forget about that!” his companion exclaimed. “There’s no way in hell of hitting her from here.”

The Four Animals of a Woman’s Desire

Valerie and Linda were chatting over coffee, when Linda remarked, “All I want out of life is the four animals that my Mom always said I would need.”

Puzzled, Valerie asked, “Really and what four animals would that be?”

Linda took a sip from her coffee and said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it.”

On the Subject of Southern Women

Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing Southern women.

“I think Southern women are the prettiest,” one of them said.

“I think Southern women are the toughest,” said another.

The third said, “I think they’re the most polite of all women. That’s why they don’t like group sex.”

His friends looked at him, confused. “They don’t like group sex?”

“Nope, too many thank-you notes to write.”

The Vicar’s Bath

The local vicar is having a bath, and he’s a little bored, so he decides to, ‘pleasure’ himself. He’s quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he’s just seen.

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings – it’s the window cleaner..

The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.

“50 quid” comes the reply.

“50 quid?!?” says the vicar, startled.

“Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv.”

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. The following week, the bishop’s round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar’s house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, “Lovely clean windows you’ve got there vicar, who does them for you?”

“Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job,” replies the vicar.

“Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?”

“Well,” replies the vicar, “fifty quid, actually”

“Fifty quid? Blimey!” says the bishop. “He must have seen you coming.”