Trying a New Position

After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

“For example,” he suggested, “you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go.”

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

“Well, OK,” the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two conditions. First if it hurts, you will stop right away, and second,” she insisted. “You have to promise we won’t go past my mother’s.”

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Feeling a Little Better About Things.

So lately the rants have been a little depressing. It’s not like they were ever meant to be uplifting, but it was meant to be a place for me to vent and get shit off my chest; not a place for me to get in touch with myself. That’s what porn is for.

OK, so I’ve got to sort through some medical bills. You better believe I’m going to be cussing and bitching about that, but not here.

Until next time.

Pax,

-f2x

Roadside Juggling

A state trooper pulled a car over for speeding. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler on his way to do a show and didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The juggler told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle, so the trooper grabbed some flares from his trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper lit five flares and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was juggling, another car pulled in behind the patrol car. The other car’s driver got out and watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

Observing this, the trooper went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked what he thought he was doing.

The man replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain’t no way I’m gonna pass that sobriety test.”

Office Break Down

Business had slowed and rumors of layoffs were abound. The company director came down to inspect the office floor, and the floor managers hovered around him like a nervous entourage.

“Who’s in charge of personnel around here?” the director barked.

“That would be me,” said Karen sheepishly.

With his hands on his hips the director instructed, “I need you to get me a list of the department staff broken down by age and sex.”

Karen timidly responded, “Well, currently no one here has been broken down by age or sex. However, we do have a few alcoholics.”

First Husband Fumbling

Jill was talking to Mary about her growing list of ex-husbands. “So who was the most inexperienced man you’ve ever married?” asked Mary.

Without hesitating, Jill replied, “Oh that would be my first husband, Walter. You wouldn’t believe how inexperienced Walter was.”

“How bad was he?” asked Mary.

“It wasn’t that he was that bad,” said Jill, “but on our wedding night, he tried to inflate me.”

Sports Legend Sex Lives

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ sexual prowess.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me a couple hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold medal winner in the 400 metres.”

“How so?” one of the others asked quizzically.

“He’s got his time down to around 43 seconds.”

Humping for Hawaii

Barb and Harry always dreamed of going to Hawaii, but Harry had trouble coming up with the money to do so. One day they came up with an idea. Each time they had sex, Harry would put a twenty into the piggy bank.

A few years later they decided to count the money for their dream vacation and broke open the piggy bank.

Harry looked at their savings and said: “That’s strange. I only remember putting a twenty in the piggy bank every time we had sex, but I see several fifties and quite a few hundreds.”

Barb replied, “Well, not everyone was as cheap as you.”

Sunday, April 22, 2018

I’m No Longer a Spring Chick

It started back in February… No wait… It started in 2011… But really it started before that…

First of all, I just got a clean bill of health, but things aren’t so plucky for this ducky right now. Apparently my body has been aging without my explicit permission again. Some parts of me are wearing out. As a result my resilience to the ravages of time seems to be fading, and it’s rather infuriating. After all, I was hoping to live forever. I guess that shit ain’t happening now, is it?

Pax,

-f2x