Breeding Bessie

A couple brought a bull to mate with their cow, but were having quite a bit of trouble. They called a local veterinarian. When the vet arrived he made a cursory examination of the beast before asking the couple to describe the problem.

The husband explained, “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, and she walks away to the other side.”

The vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Michigan?”

The couple was dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

“How did you know we got the cow in Michigan?” the woman asked.

With a distant look in his eye, the vet replied, “My wife is from Michigan.”

Octogenarian Honeymoon

A couple in their eighties just got married and was on their honeymoon. In the hotel room she slipped into something sexy and crawled into bed and waited for her new groom. He was in the bathroom sprucing himself up.

She waited and waited until she could not wait any longer. She got up and went to the bathroom and opened the door. Peering in she saw him bending over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.

She giggled, “Honey what are you doing? I’m 86 years old and can’t get pregnant anymore.”

He looked up at her and said, “I know but honey you know how dampness affects my arthritis.”

You’re the First One

The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears.

“I’m afraid you’ll get the wrong idea about me,” she said between sobs. “I’m really not that kind of girl!”

“I believe you,” Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.

“You’re the first one,” Sarah replied.

“The first one to make love to you?” Joe asked.

“No, silly,” she replied. “The first one to believe me!”

Sunday, February 25, 2018

I Want a Self-Driving Car

“Life is about the journey, not the destination.” – Someone who never had a daily commute.

I’m trying to get somewhere, folks, and I have to watch you insane muthaforkers weaving aimlessly like drunken mosquitos. It’s a turn lane, not a merge lane for pity’s sake!

That self-driving technology can’t get here fast enough. Just turn on the autopilot, pull the shades, and wake me when we get there.