Monthly Archives: February 2018

A couple brought a bull to mate with their cow, but were having quite a bit of trouble. They called a local veterinarian. When the vet arrived he made a cursory examination of the beast before asking the couple to describe the problem.

The husband explained, “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, and she walks away to the other side.”

The vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Michigan?”

The couple was dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

“How did you know we got the cow in Michigan?” the woman asked.

With a distant look in his eye, the vet replied, “My wife is from Michigan.”

A couple in their eighties just got married and was on their honeymoon. In the hotel room she slipped into something sexy and crawled into bed and waited for her new groom. He was in the bathroom sprucing himself up.

She waited and waited until she could not wait any longer. She got up and went to the bathroom and opened the door. Peering in she saw him bending over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.

She giggled, “Honey what are you doing? I’m 86 years old and can’t get pregnant anymore.”

He looked up at her and said, “I know but honey you know how dampness affects my arthritis.”

The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears.

“I’m afraid you’ll get the wrong idea about me,” she said between sobs. “I’m really not that kind of girl!”

“I believe you,” Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.

“You’re the first one,” Sarah replied.

“The first one to make love to you?” Joe asked.

“No, silly,” she replied. “The first one to believe me!”

Russ and Sam met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn’t show up. More days passed and still no Russ. Knowing that Russ was in his late eighties, Sam had started to assume the worst.

After a month had gone by, Russ finally showed up.

“What happened to you?” Sam asked.

Russ replied, “I’ve been in jail.”

“For what?” Sam asked incredulously.

Russ explained, “You know that cute little blonde waitress down at the coffee shop? Well, the little gold-digger figured I was rich, and she tried filing rape charges against me to scam me outa my money.”

“So what happened?”

“At 89 years old, I was so proud that I plead guilty,” said Russ. “The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”

With a knowing smile, the newly wed wife told her husband, “I’ve been cleaning up the spare room. It looks like we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

The husband started glowing with happiness. He kissed his wife said, “Oh darling, You’ve made me the happiest man in the world.”

“I’m glad that you feel that way,” she replied. “My mother will be moving in on Monday.”

A Chinese man had three daughters.

He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

“I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest,” said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

“I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest,” said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

“I would like to marry a man with one draggin’ on the ground.”

The city council debate was becoming increasingly heated. Politicians from both major parties were locking horns.

As they started losing their tempers, one of them sneered at the other, “Have you heard of Bob Froyd?”

“No,” admitted the other.

“Well, if you attended more council meetings, you would know that he’s the man who’s planning to open a new strip club in our town.”

Furious and wanting to do some return damage, the opponent responded, “Have you heard of Alex Moskowitz?”

“No,” said the first. “Who is he?”

“Well, if you didn’t spend all your time at these council meetings, you would know that he’s the man who’s been screwing your wife while you’re here.”

Patrick and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn’t know what to do. Patrick said to Mary, “I think we need to get some advice from the parish priest. We can’t keep on with any more children.”

So they went to see the priest and the priest said to them, “You know the church only allows two ways to limit the little ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm method.”

Patrick scratched his head and said, “Well now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a band at 4 o’clock in the morning?”