Sunday, April 30, 2017

The Game of Idiots

There’s a little game I’m rather keen on playing. I don’t have a name for it, but it works more often than statistically likely.

Let’s say you’re driving down the road. You’re going the traditional 5 miles over the limit, but then you find yourself behind a car that is going at or below the speed limit. For whatever reason, you can forget about getting around this car. What do you do?

After I’ve had enough of this jerk, I’ll look ahead to the next intersection. Long before I get there, I’ll turn on my turn signal. Chances are better than 80/20 they will turn on their turn signal and turn whichever direction I signaled. Then I turn mine off and keep driving straight.

I’m not exactly sure why this works so well, but it kinda makes me wonder about the nature of reality. So far my best guess is that there’s a secret government program that pays people to go out and drive in a legal but irritating fashion. Why? Who knows. It’s stupid conspiracy theory I made up to amuse myself as to why turning on my turn signal tends to make the car in front of me spontaneously decide they want to turn down that road. If you got a better theory that doesn’t just dismiss my experience as some kind of cognitive bias, then lay it on me.



The Hot New Guy

Tammy and Vicki were admiring the new shirtless hottie in the neighborhood as he mowed his front lawn.

“He looks like a Chippendale dancer,” said Tammy, “but I wonder if he’ll be thoughtful and intelligent.”

“I doubt it,” sneered Vicki. “Guys like him all have their brains between their legs.”

Tammy giggled and said, “If that’s where it is, then I can’t wait to blow his mind!”

Parental Occupations

The teacher asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said, “My mom’s a whore.”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office, then 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked, “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said, “Yes.”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

“He said that every job is important in our economy, asked for my phone number, then gave me an apple.”

The Suspicious Spouse

A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight while en-route home, and he asked the cab driver if he would be a witness, because the man suspected his wife of having an affair, and he wanted to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

After quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there before them was his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man who was also totally nude.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head as the wife shouted, “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

“HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

“HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

“HE paid for your Football season tickets.

“HE paid for our house at the lake.

“HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

“HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.

“And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month.”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, ‘What would you do’?

With an understanding look, the cabby replied, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”