The Rabbi’s Widow

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died.

His widow was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor widow was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage on Friday, they went to the temple. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother told me that after the Friday services, and before lighting the candles, it’s expected the couple have sex.”

So they did.

That night after dinner she lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, “My father told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.”

So they did.

They went to bed after prayers.

When they awoke, he said to her, “My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue, you are expected to have sex.

So they did.

After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather says that after praying it’s a custom to have sex.”

So they did.

The next day, she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, “So how is the new husband?

She replied, “Well, he’s no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!”

Sunday, April 9, 2017


Death

So I came home from work earlier this week, and my neighbor was waving at me from her kitchen window. I walked over to see what she wanted. Her husband, Stan, died in his sleep on Tuesday. He was in his late 60’s.

Stan was a pretty good neighbor. He would shovel the snow off my walk while I was at work, helped me clean my gutters, took care of my house while I was in the Army, and we’d have conversations on his back patio whenever we finished doing our yard work on Sundays. We borrowed each other’s tools, and helped each other with various chores. I could really talk to him, and even our political discussions were never argumentative or judgemental. He had a way of helping me find clarity amidst the confusion.

I’m about to reach parity when it comes to the living versus the dead ratio in my life. It seems like the older I get, the more dead people I know, and while it’s true that dead people never seem to make mistakes or have any flaws, they always seem to leave me with that heart-wrenching lump in my chest and throat whenever it occurs to me that I can no longer indulge in their company… And what I wouldn’t give for a hug from my mom right now.

Yesterday I turned another year older… Another year closer to death. I miss so many people right now.

Pax,

-f2x

To Marry the Farmer’s Daughter

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insisted that he ask her father for her hand in marriage, so off he went to the farm.

“I want to marry your daughter, sir,” he politely informed the farmer.

“Well, my boy, you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter,” challenged the farmer

“I’ll do anything for my love,” replied the young man.

“You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it.”

A little puzzled the young man sighed, “OK, anything for my love.”

After mounting the cow, the boy came back and asked, “Now may I marry your daughter?”

“Nope.” replied the farmer, “See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it.”

After defiling the goat, the lad returned, “Now can I marry your daughter?”

“Not yet. You see that pig in the sty? Well hop to it.”

Once again he complied and returned.

The farmer is amazed at seeing this boy following through with these deeds just to marry his daughter, and tells the city boy, “Now you may marry my daughter.”

The young man replied, “To hell with your daughter! How much for that pig?”

The Fancy First Date

An eligible bachelor took his new date to a fancy restaurant to impress her.

She ordered only the most expensive items on the menu: caviar, filet mignon, lobster, and even Champagne.

Taken aback, the man asked, “Does your father buy you things like this when your family has dinner out?”

She replied with a smile, “No, but then, Father’s not expecting a blow job later, either!”

Without hesitation, he mentioned, “Don’t forget to order your dessert as well.”

Be Gentle

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, “Muffin, I feel like making love tonight.”

The wife replied, “Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time.”

“But I am always gentle with you, dearest!”

“That’s not true, she replied, “the last time you woke me up TWICE!”

The Symptoms

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor’s waiting room.

They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.

The fellow with the red ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, “Don’t worry, man, it’s nothing.”

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, “I’m sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I’m afraid you’ll have to be castrated.”

Turning white, the young man gasped, “But the first guy… He said it was no big deal!”

“Well, you know,” said the doctor, “there’s a big difference between gangrene and lipstick.”

Golf Balls

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, the man broke the ice and said, “It’s golf balls.”

Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Sunday, April 2, 2017

I didn’t get the job.

Well, the title basically says it all. After two evaluations and two interviews, they politely turned me down. Personally, I think they were doing me a favor. My current employer lets me listen to headphones, drink tea, and vape while I work. That wouldn’t have been possible with this new job.

On the bright side, I’m still working at same place I’ve been working for the past 19 years and 5 months. Every day is a new personal record for the longest I’ve ever worked for any employer. To celebrate I got a new set of wireless headphones.

Pax,

-f2x