A married man had hired a gorgeous secretary, and and after it was clear she was into him, he decided to “work late” one night and take this girl to dinner.
He called home to tell his wife he’d be late getting home. Without a hint of any concern, she replied, “okay, no problem.”
After dinner with the secretary, it was obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had “swinging from the chandelier” sex for two hours.
Afterwards, the man went into the bathroom to tidy his appearance when he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He immediately fell into a state of panic, and he had no idea what he was going to tell his wife. Still he hurried home.
As he unlocked the front door, he heard the dog come barking and scratching at the door to greet him. He thought “Aha!” and entered the house, fell to the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck with one hand, he walked into the living room and exclaimed, “Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!”
To which she looked up, opened her blouse, and said, “That’s nothing, look at what he did to my tits!”
Frank was excited about his new rifle and went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Just then, there was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear offered, “You’ve got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.”
Not wishing to die, Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found a black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly told him, “That was a huge mistake, Frank. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.”
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered! Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge — but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there!
The polar bear sighed, “Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”
So it’s been another long week for me. Lots of O.T. and lots of stuff at home to take care of. For some reason, optimists cannot resist the opportunity to piss me off when I’m swamped like this. They say shit like, “Oh I bet you’ll really appreciate that paycheck!” or even, “Isn’t it wonderful to keep busy like that.” Just fuck off already.
I’m worn out and tired. Their optimistic take on my situation isn’t something I want to deal with at the moment. It would be nice if they would just give me a nod and say, “Yeah. Been there,” so that I know that they actually understand, then move onto some other topic.
The more I think about it, the more I think I need to work on flipping the subject onto them. Sort of a “Enough about me, tell me how your life is going,” kind of tactic. Something that’s iron clad and air tight so I can reflexively deploy the optimism deflector without them having a clue that I really don’t give a fuck.
Two Russian hunters chartered a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting.
On landing, the pilot said, “Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear.”
The hunters went out and returned with two bears.
Furious, the pilot said, “I told you ONE bear!”
But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 6000 rubles, the pilot had let them put their two bears on board. After a long heated discussion the pilot agreed to take the extra bear for 12000 rubles.
After the plane struggled into the air and fitfully flew for about two hours, it gave out and plummeted to the earth into a snowbank.
Climbing out from under the snow and dead bears, the hunters asked the pilot where he thought they were.
“I’m not entirely certain,” said the pilot, “but it looks like the same place we crashed last year.”
The family gathering was a bit smaller than usual this year. Not because of Covid, but because they could not make it for other personal reasons. It also felt like something was off, more tense, quiet, and perfunctory. The food was excellent, and the weather was beyond perfect, but still something was off.
It will be a couple months before I see them all again. Perhaps by then things will start to seem more normal... whatever normal may be.
Thanks for stopping by. I shouldn't have to tell you that our submission page is available, but feel free to drop off a couple of jokes.
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail email@example.com. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.