Monthly Archives: February 2017

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”

Without even glancing up at the man, Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, but he knew when to mind his own fucking business.”

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.

“Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Still nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

“Well, Buddy is blind,” explained the farmer, “and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

A woman went up to an elderly looking man who was contently rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke about three packs a day,” he said. “I also like to drink about case of whiskey every week. I also find it helps to eat delicious fatty foods, but never waste time trying to exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“I’ll be twenty-eight in June,” he said.

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest asked, “What do you mean, almost?”

The man said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

The husband died, and the wife brought the ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she walked out the back door and poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. “You know that dishwasher you promised me?” she said in a melancholy tone. “I bought it with the Insurance money.”

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money.”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, “Remember that diamond ring you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.”

Finally, she reached down at her side and picked up a leaf blower as she said, “Remember that blow job I promised you? Well I hope you’re ready!”

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.