Monthly Archives: January 2017

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had started seeing another guy while he had been away and wanted to break up with him. To add insult to injury she also wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (some with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you were. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back.”

A farmer walked into a attorney’s office seeking to get a divorce.

The lawyer began by asking, “Do you have any grounds?”

The farmer replied, “Yes, I got about 40 acres.”

The lawyer shook his head and said, “No, No, you don’t understand, Do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.”

Again the lawyer said, “No, no, I mean, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I ain’t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.”

The lawyer said, “No, I mean, do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said,”Yes, I got a grudge, that’s where I parks the John Deere.”

The lawyer said, “Well, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No, we both get up at 4:30.”

By now the lawyer is really frustrated but tries one last question, “Is your wife a nagger?”

The farmer said, “No, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I wants a divorce.”

A woman wanted to test her three son-in-laws to see what kind of men that her daughters had married.

To test the first one, she arranged for the two of them to go for a walk along the river. During the walk she pretended to lose her footing and fell into the river. The young man immediately dove into the water to rescue the woman.

The next day he was shocked to see a brand new car parked in his driveway. On the vehicle was a note that said, “Much love and appreciation, Your Mother-in-law.”

To test the second one, she again arranged for the two of them to go for a walk along the same river. Once again she pretended to lose her footing and fell into the river. As before, the young man immediately dove into the water to rescue the woman.

The next day, he too saw a brand new car parked in his driveway with a note that said, “Much love and appreciation, Your Mother-in-law.”

It was the same test for the third one. As they walked along the river she “lost her footing” and fell into the river. Quickly assessing the situation, the young man released a maniacally chuckle and left the scene. The woman was pulled away by the river’s current and drowned.

The next day the third son-in-law awoke to find a brand new car parked in his driveway. He rushed outside to see what it was about. He could hardly believe his eyes when he read the note, “Much love and appreciation, Your Father-in-law.”

A Staff Sergeant was addressing his squad and said, “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.”

Seven men raised their hands, and the Staff Sergeant asked the remaining troop, “So why aren’t you raising your hand?”

To which the soldier replied, “It just seemed like too much trouble, Sergeant.”

As Wendy put on her daily makeup, she gave herself a playful, sultry glance in the mirror and said, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Suddenly, the mirror replied, “How the hell should I know? Your fat ass keeps blocking my view!”

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

An usher at a movie theater noticed a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theater. He told the customer that he can only take up one seat.

The customer just moaned and rolled his eyes.

The usher went to get his supervisor who came back and told the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police.

Once again the customer just moaned and rolled his eyes.

The supervisor called the police, who came and told the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat. “What’s wrong with you?” they ask.

The customer just moaned and rolled his eyes.

Scratching his head, the police officer then asked the man “Where did you come from?”

Slowly the man lifted a hand in the air, and said “The balcony.”

John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asked.

“Not really,” replied Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” said John.

“No,” she responded.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggested.

Again she rejected his offer with a, “No thanks.”

Frustrated he finally asked, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answered Mary.

John thought for a moment and replied “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”