Gail’s Pic of the Week
How to Retire a Millionaire!
So I'm working this weekend... And next weekend... And every weekend in the foreseeable future. There is no end in site. I really don't know how I'm going to handle it. I can barely handle 5 days a week, so this will be quite a challenge.
It's gonna be rough, but if I manage to hang in there, the overtime/double-time will be enough to fund my increasing addiction to the stock market. Maybe if I can squirrel enough money into the right stocks, I might be able to bootstrap a retirement plan that doesn't include me working till the day I die.
But then again, I'm pretty sure that once I buy a stock, someone on Wall Street makes a call and tells another guy, and then the word gets around, then they all agree in solidarity to just let that particular stock drop like a brick, just so I can never get ahead. In fact the CEO and Board of Directors for any stock I buy will also decide to scuttle their companies, and thus ensure that I never make fucking dime doing this shit.
Maybe I can use this curse to my advantage. Bezos, if you're listening, I swear to god I will buy every share of Amazon I can get my grubby little mitts on until the value of your company goes into the negative! To keep me from buying your stock and effectively forcing you to live on cat food for your remaining years, please send me one MILLION dollars! Mwaa-ha-ha-ha-hah!
I'm so sick of working all the time.
Of course a big shout out to my big homie, Big D, who came at me with 5 fantastic jokes for this week. Of course I'm only assuming it's Big D because the submission page is kind of anonymous. Full disclosure: it records your IP address, so I can check that against an IP lookup site to see what ISP owns the IP address, but I can't really tell who anyone actually is. I just assume it's Big D because its coming from and ISP out of Cincy.
Oh, and the IP address is overwritten after the joke gets officially scheduled, so it's not like there's any incriminating evidence left from submitting a joke. Try it today! Everyone will be glad you did!
The Golden Soapbox
GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
Yes, it’s a usable search function! Try it!
Three guys began work as salesmen for a toothbrush company.
Every day, Larry and Curly sold about twenty toothbrushes each, but Moe consistently sold at least two hundred.
Of course Larry and Curly were jealous, and wanted to know Moe’s secret.
One day, they ran into Moe at the mall, where he had set up a chips and dip sample table.
“This is your secret?” said Larry.
“Why don’t you try some dip?” asked Moe.
They both took a little bit of dip.
“Blech!” exclaimed Curly. “This tastes like shit!”
“It is shit.” said Moe. “Would you like to buy a toothbrush?”
Here are 8 things we know by watching movies:
- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
A man called his wife into the bedroom and said, “I want to show you the new watch I got today.”
So she went into the room and found him with his pants around his ankles.
“That’s not a watch!” she said in an annoyed tone.
“Well sure it is,” he insisted. “You just need to put two hands and a face on it.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”