The Golden Soapbox
Gail’s Pic of the Week
The "Other" Child
While I have been giving Gail plenty of attention over the past year and a half, I have not given much if any attention to Alex in this space. Born somewhere around July 15, 2009, Alex is soon to be 12 years old. I got him off Craigslist after my previous cat passed away. The people who were giving him away said that he had been abandoned on their porch. Alex immediately took to his new forever home and soon after learned to come when I called his name.
For almost a decade, Alex has suffered from a kind of bulimia. Whenever I bring it up, the vet repeatedly defaults to the notion that it is hairballs, but hairball remedies do not improve the condition. No, it is more akin to what they call "scarf and barf". He eats, he barfs, he eats again, he is fine... mostly. I have tried many techniques for dealing with this, but nothing has ever proven to be long term effective.
Recently I have found pureeing his canned cat food in an old mini food processor has halted his bulimic patterns. I fear it might not be enough though. Alex has been very thin and tired looking, with a permanently furrowed brow. There is no nice way to say it. I'm getting that EOL vibe.
Please, God, just let me wrong about this for a change. Alex is a good cat, and honestly I don't think I'll be able to get another cat until after Gail is gone. The thing is, I've always had a cat around, and I don't like the idea of not having one. The house would feel too empty.
So let us hope the pureed food turns things around for Alex. Even if he looks like a grumpy old man, I hope he can live another decade or more. In some ways, I even hope he outlives Gail.
Did I mention our submission page? It's still a thing around here, and I count on people like you to put jokes into it. Thanks ever so much. It really means a lot to me.
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What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail email@example.com. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
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Three guys began work as salesmen for a toothbrush company.
Every day, Larry and Curly sold about twenty toothbrushes each, but Moe consistently sold at least two hundred.
Of course Larry and Curly were jealous, and wanted to know Moe’s secret.
One day, they ran into Moe at the mall, where he had set up a chips and dip sample table.
“This is your secret?” said Larry.
“Why don’t you try some dip?” asked Moe.
They both took a little bit of dip.
“Blech!” exclaimed Curly. “This tastes like shit!”
“It is shit.” said Moe. “Would you like to buy a toothbrush?”
Here are 8 things we know by watching movies:
- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
A man called his wife into the bedroom and said, “I want to show you the new watch I got today.”
So she went into the room and found him with his pants around his ankles.
“That’s not a watch!” she said in an annoyed tone.
“Well sure it is,” he insisted. “You just need to put two hands and a face on it.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”