Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.

The first man said, “My wife was reading A Tale of two Cities, and she gave birth to twins!”

“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading The Three Musketeers, and she gave birth to triplets!”

The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, “When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the forty Thieves!”

The Perfect Woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, “They’re all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion. “Well,” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!”

So they were wed right away.

Months later a baby was born.

When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”

The Transylvanian Vacation

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania. They re driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a ditch..

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.

Bob blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been Seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.”

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

Blonde Resolution

After yet another tragic breakup, a blonde was telling her friend that she’d gone off men for life.

“They lie, they cheat, and they’re just no good,” she moaned. “From now on when I want sex, I’m going to use my tried and tested plastic companion.”

“What happens when the batteries run out?” asked her friend.

“That’s simple,” replied the blonde. “I’ll just fake my orgasm like I usually do.”

Sunday, June 22, 2017

Welcome to Dullsville. Enjoy your (brief) stay.

Sometimes life is boring. Right now, I kind of like boring. Boring is comforting and safe. There’s something to be said about that… But I’m not bored.

I worry a lot. I don’t want to, but it’s something that comes natural to me. About 80% of the time, everything works out fine, and there was nothing to worry about. On the other hand, it’s the other 20% of the time I’ve got to be vigilant about. If I don’t watch out for those things and take care of them when they happen, the situation snowballs, and before I know it, I’m in over my head.

So right now, though things aren’t perfect, there aren’t any major issues. I’ve still got a lot of things on my mind because there are potential problems around the bend, and I’ve got to be ready for them when the time comes. However, as of this very moment, everything is safe and sound.

As I get older, I don’t experience the dreaded boredom. It’s boredom accompanied by dread. Because while I don’t know when, where, or how, experience has taught me that shit’s going down sooner than expected. I’m getting too old for this shit.