The teacher had given the class a homework assignment. She wanted them to report on a talent they had and were especially good at.
The teacher called on Mary. Mary got up and said, “I’ve been taking piano lessons for 2 years.” The teacher told Mary that was very good.
Student after student was called on, and after all of the other students told about their talents, the teacher didn’t have a choice but to let Little Johnny have his turn.
He stood up and said, “This is my special talent!” Then he stuck his tongue out.
The teacher said, “Little Johnny, I don’t understand. How is your tongue a special talent”?
“Well, my babysitter said that it’s a special talent because not every boy that she baby sits has a pussy grinder!”
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi.
“Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spamoni, and I am alive today because of it.”
“Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable,” said the Rabbi.
“Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her.”
“That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty.”
“It’s worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly.”
“You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt.”
“Thank you, Rabbi. That’s a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.”
“And what is that?”
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
A couple of friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other, “Why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”
“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.
“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow. “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”
“Well,” replied his friend, “then you must be the only guy who’s never noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”
A sex researcher phoned one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.
He asked the man, “In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered ‘twice weekly’. Your wife, on the other hand, answered ‘several times a night’.”
“That’s right,” replied the bloke, “And that’s how it’s going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.”
Cutting the Lawn(s)
Usually on Sunday, weather permitting, I cut my grass. As a courtesy I also cut the front lawns of my neighbor’s homes as well. It’s something I started doing a few years ago. These are small yards, and it’s really no trouble… Until it gets hot out… and naturally it’s usually hot out when the grass gets growing.
Of course the neighbor to the south is a renter. She never cuts her lawn herself, and it’s not a service offered in her lease either. About once every month and a half she’d hire a bunch of guys to cut her grass… poorly. This year I started doing her front and back yard as well. Partly because I’m a nice guy, but since she lives on a corner it stands out as an eyesore if I don’t.
In a way, it’s become a bit of a spectacle to see me stretching my extension cord across the neighborhood cutting all these lawns. I think it may have inspired others to get out there and make their lawns look neat and trim. I have to admit that in the 15 years I’ve lived in my house, I’ve never seen the yards on my street look quite so tidy.
Just wanted to include a quick mention that I put up a new “logo” with the site’s new tagline, “Comics and Joke of the Day”. The “Once for the bulk…” text is actually built into the header image, so give me a week or two to come up with a new header.
Last of the Weekend Jokes
Just a reminder that next Saturday and Sunday there will be no new jokes posted. We’re going back to the Monday-Friday arrangement. The number of visits to the site actually went down since I started posting weekend jokes. Coincidence? Most likely. I don’t think people started avoiding this place because I posted more jokes, but they sure as hell didn’t flock to the site either.
5 jokes a week. If you don’t like it, start your own JOTD!