The 50th Wedding Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 50th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 50 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

Money out the Ass

A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his asshole was feeling terribly sore.

The doctor asked him to drop his drawers and bend over so he could take a look. “It’s amazing!” the doctor said, as he pulled a brand new crisp $20 bill from the fellow’s anus.

Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too. And then another! And another! And many more.

Finally, the doctor had pulled the whole pile of $20 bills from the fellow’s ass, and began to count it. The doctor finally reported, “There was $1980 stuck in your anus!”

The fellow replied, “Well I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand!”

The Newlywed Bride

The newlywed bride was wrapping up her annual physical with her doctor when he asked her, “So, do you have any questions for me?”

She said to him, “Well, yeah, a few. I mean my husband and I have ‘done it’ lots of times, but it’s just that I want to know the proper terms for a man’s body.”

“OK”, said the doctor, “Shoot.”

“On the end of his dick, there’s this big knobby thing with a hole in the tip. What do you call that?”

The doctor said, “Well, first of all, the polite thing to call it is a penis, not dick, and the proper term for the object on the penis end is the glans, but it’s acceptable to refer to it as the head.”

She continued, “OK, well right behind the head there’s a long hard thing with lots of veins in it. What is that?”

“Most people would call that the shaft,” said the doctor.

“OK, cool,” she said. “Now, about 14 inches behind the head there’s these two hairy, round kind of things that droop down. What are those?”

The doctor smirked and said to the newlywed, “Well, I don’t know about your husband, but on me those are the cheeks of my ass.”

The Penguin and the Polar Bear

A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snow dunes one day when the polar bear fell down a chasm. Try as he might, the poor polar bear couldn’t get out. The penguin did everything he could think of, but he couldn’t rescue his friend.

Then a thought struck him! He said, “Hold on for a few minutes, I’ll be right back!”

He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his red Ferrari. He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to the end. With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him out to safety.

After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they continued on their walk. Later on that very same day, the penguin fell into a similar chasm. Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can’t drive. So it looked bad for the penguin.

Then the polar bear had an idea! He allowed his penis to swing down into the chasm, all the way to the bottom. The penguin gladly used it to climb his way to the top!

The moral of this story is: If you have a big enough penis, you don’t need a Ferrari.

Relationship Honesty

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love.

They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.

“It’s only fair to warn you, Jody,” he said. “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”

“Well, since you’re being honest, so will I,” Jody said. “I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” he said.

Then brightening, he smiled. “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

Upgrade?

Actually my Laptop dual boots into both Linux and Windows 7. I’m working a lot of overtime this week, but I’ll try to install the upgrade on the 29th. If it doesn’t work out, I can always reinstall Windows 7… Or just reformat the whole thing and do a fresh install of Linux. The nice thing about being a Linux user is that you’re never more than 20 minutes away from a fresh new system.

Bad News Terrible News

A wealthy man sat in his attorney’s office.

“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.

“Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture that’s probably worth at least eight-million dollars.”

“That’s the bad news?” the man asked incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“It’s a picture of you with your mistress.”

The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

“I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!”

Whiskey and Worms

A science teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the dangers of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

“Now, class, closely observe the worms,” said the teacher while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the teacher asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and responded confidently, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

The Blonde’s Suicide

John came home from work to find his blonde wife dangling from a rope tied to her feet.

“What on earth are you doing?” cried John.

His wife was sobbing in tears, “I’m just not happy anymore, so I’ve decided to just end it by hanging myself.”

John was trying to be understanding as he undid the rope to let her down, but had to remark, “Well you know the rope is suppose to go around your neck.”

“I tried that,” said the blonde, “but I couldn’t breathe.”