Why are You Here?

A man walks into his doctor’s office.

The doctor asks the man why he is there.

He replies, “It’s my penis, I would like you to take a look at it.”

The doctor says, “Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I’ll have a look for you.”

The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants.

After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, “I have to say, I can’t see anything wrong with it.”

To which the man replies, “I know. It’s a fucking beauty, eh?!”

The Final Word on Nutrition

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the United States.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than than in the United States.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the United States.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the United States.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the United States.

6. The French eat foie gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the United States.

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Southern Farming Practices

A farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door.

A young boy, about twelve-years-old, opened the door.

“Is your Pa home?” the farmer asked.

“No sir, he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went to town with Ma.”

“How about your brother, Joe, is he here?”

“He went with Ma and Pa.”

The farmer stood there shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” the boy inquired politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Pa.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “I really wanted to talk to your Pa. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy considered for a moment and said, “You would have to talk to Pa about that”, he finally conceded. “But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the bull, and $25 for the boar hog. But I really don’t know how much he gets for Joe.”

The Truth Will Get You Off

It was after dinner when Jerry realized he was out of cigarettes. He decided to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he’d be right back.

When Jerry got to the bar, the bartender offered him a cold beer on the house, so Jerry decided he had time for just one. He’d been nursing it along when a gorgeous blond came in the door, but he looked the other way. She went right over to him and sat down. One thing led to another and she invited him back to her apartment.

Back at her place they went at it like crazy, as their passions took over. The next thing Jerry knew it was four o’clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shook the girl awake and asked if she had any baby powder.

“Yeah, in the bathroom cabinet,” she said still half asleep. He dusted his hands, drove home at ninety miles per hour, and pulled into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him with a rolling pin in her hand.

“So WHERE have you been?” she screamed.

“Well, you see honey,” Jerry stammered, “I only went out for cigarettes, but Morty offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and she invited me back to her place…”

“Wait a minute,” snapped his wife. “Let me see your hands,” as she eyed the whiteness of his fingertips. Turning on him furiously, she said, “Don”t you EVER try lying to me again, you rotten little bastard! You’ve been bowling again!”

The Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. One day she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was suspected to be gay and the other a notorious drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

“Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.”

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra.”

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”