The Lady on the Golf Course

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee, when out of the woods came a naked lady running past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.

Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball, and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

Our golfer said “Yes, she ran into the woods.”

The guy in the white coat said, “thanks,” and ran after her.

Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady.

He said, “Yes, they ran that way through the woods.”

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, “Hey, what’s going on?”

The guy explained, “You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby, and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck.”

The golfer then asked, “Well what’s the bucket of sand for?”

The guy in the white coat said, “Oh, that’s my handicap because I caught her last time!”

Running Late

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This comic was quite an exercise. I wanted to see if I could get my entire cast of soldiers in a single comic. I even got the arm patches right this time. For those who don’t know, they are wearing the CAPOC patch. This is the patch worn by soldiers in Civil Affairs and PSYOP. I went with it because that was the unit patch I used to wear. You wouldn’t believe how much work went into this strip, but it was actually kind of fun.

Caesar

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment.

He goes up to the madam and says, “Madam, I’d like a woman for the evening.”

The Madam says, “Sir, I’m afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you’d care to, I’m available.”

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he’s only two inches long. Just then the guy says, “Rise, Caesar!” And his erection grows to a full 12 inches.

They have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed. “Sir,” she says, “this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you’d mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You’re really something special, you know.”

But the young man says, “No, madam, no. I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”

The Stutter

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “D d d doc, I’ve bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII’m tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?

The doctor says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you to see what’s going on.”

So he examines him and says, “Well I think I know what the problem is.”

The guy says, “Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?”

The doctor says, “Well, it’s your penis, it’s about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords…”

The guy says, “Wwwat cccan we ddo?” The doctor advises, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.”

The guy says, “Dddeal…..Dddo it!”

The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I’ve only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn’t like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on”

The doctor says, “P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal’s a dddeal.”

Sip the Vodka, Don’t Gulp

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!

Crossed the Line

Margret noticed that her friend Karen was quite agitated. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Well,” said Karen, “I met a guy at the club last night. He was kind of attractive and we sort of hit it off, so I invited him home.”

“Did you sleep with him?” Margret pried.

“Well, yeah,” said Karen, “and we had some pretty freaky sex too, but then he crossed the line and called me a slut!”

“Oh no!” exclaimed Margret. “What did you do?”

“I did what any self-respecting woman would do,” said Karen. “I told him to get the fuck out of my home and take his five biker friends with him!”

Running into an Old Flame

So Toni is back after all these years. Toni and Tyler separated before Tyler joined the Army. For those of you who are tracking, I’ve gone and added the rank back onto the uniforms. I’m also going to put the flag patch back. (ed. note: I just realized I got it backwards in the comic. The flag is supposed to go on the right arm. Ironic since I’m always annoyed at seeing the glaring mistakes in TV and Movie uniform portrayals.)

Ulterior Motives

A businessman arrived home form work about 6pm. He was barely through the door when his wife greeted him with a passionate kiss. She pulled him into the bedroom, pushed him down on the bed, unzipped his fly, and began to give him a fantastic blow job.

Not daring to interrupt her, he waited until he had gotten off in a mighty explosion, which she slurped up eagerly and swallowed.

He fondly looked at her and asked, “All right, dear, what did you do to the car this time?”

The Regrettable Roses

Karen and Mindy had just got back from lunch. As she walked into her cubical, Karen spied a large box of roses on her desk. She let out an audible “Oh fuck!” under her breath.

“What’s the matter?” said Mindy. “Don’t you like getting flowers?”

“Oh sure,” says Karen, “but my boyfriend always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

Mindy replies, “Geez Karen, don’t you have a vase?”