Bob and Mabel were celebrating 50 years of marriage. Their neighbor Tom asked them what the secret was to such a long and happy marriage.
Bob looked lovingly into Mabel’s eyes before explaining, “When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had, and we have done so for 50 years.”
“Amazing!” gasped Tom. “Twice a week, every week?”
“Every week,” added Mabel. “I go out every Tuesday, and he goes out on Fridays.”
Two Jewish men, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant discussing religion
“I wonder if there are any Jewish people in Mexico?” asked the first one.
“There must be,” the second one replied. “To be sure though, let’s ask the waiter.”
When the waiter came by, they asked him, “Do you have any Mexican Jews?”
“I do not know Señor,” said the waiter. “I will ask the cooks.”
A few minutes later, the waiter returned from the kitchen and informed the gentlemen, “I’m sorry, Señor. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, but no Mexican Jews.”
A man was walking through his local mall and noticed a Mexican book store. As he had never seen a Mexican book store before, the man decided to take a look inside.
After browsing for a while, he approached the clerk and asked, “Would you happen to have that book on President Trump’s foreign policy with Mexico?”
Enraged, the clerk shouted, “Fuck you! Get out and stay out!”
“That’s the one,” replied the man. “Got it in hardcover?”
Why is there such a dearth of great classical Mexican literature?
Because Edward Seymour didn’t invent aerosol paint until 1949.
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
quatro sinko
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
How many mexicans do you need to change a light bulb?
Juan
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
What do you call a mexican drug kingpin who likes to dress as a woman?
El Trapo
Mexican and black jokes are all the same
Once you heard Juan, you heard Jamal.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
What do you call a mexican and a priest fighting?
Alien vs predator
What did the Mexican Fireman name his two sons?
Jose and Hose B
A boy was born to a Korean father and a Mexican mother.
They named him Guacamo Lee.
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer shoot his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
Why can’t you play UNO with Mexicans?
They steal all the green cards.
Most people don’t know that in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to have been the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was lost forever.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as “Sinko de Mayo”.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He pulled rabbits out of hats, sawed his assistant in half, and drew coins out of the ears of audience members.
His final trick was a disappearing act. He counted:
“Uno…”
“Dos…”
And disappeared without a tres.
Why can’t Mexicans cross the border in threes?
No trespassing.
Jane repined over the fact that her boyfriend seemed to be so afraid of commitment.
“Tell me about it,” said her friend Martha. “I’ve been living with this guy for over a year, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.”
“Really?” said Jane, “What did you tell him?”
“I looked him in the eye and said, ‘Either tell me your name, or pack your shit and get out of my house!'”
…who passed his friend on the trail one day?
Cannibal, n.: A person who’s fed up with people.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped.
Two cannibals were having lunch.
One said, “Your wife sure does make good soup!”
The other replied, “Yeah, but I’m gonna miss her.”
People say cannibals are horrible folks, but the one I knew was just a regular anthropophagi.
