A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They devised a fool proof plan and put their plan into action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car. Finally, the blonde burst out of the bank, with the alarm blaring. Behind her, the blonde was lugging a safe with a rope tied around it.
The security guard ran out of the bank with his pants down around his ankles as he attempted to pull out his gun.
The blonde tried to put the safe in the car but gave up and left it behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut as the car sped away.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?”
The blonde blurted out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”
The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”
Something I’ve been keeping a low key on was an ongoing sore throat. I figured it would eventually go away, but then it got hard to swallow. As of right now, my throat still hurts, but I’m finally on antibiotics. Let’s hope I can be rid of this in the next few days.
So why did I let it go on for so long? Partially because I was needed badly at work, and also because you couldn’t get in to see a doctor face to face because of the whole Covid19 hype. After the first of the month, a few places started opening back up. I was able to get in to see someone to swab my throat, confirm it was strep, and prescribe the antibiotics.
Of course now they’ve added “sore throat” to the list of symptoms for Covid19, but a month ago they were telling us that it wasn’t a symptom. Next month they are probably going to tell us that “blue eyes” is a symptom of Covid19. No wonder the nut jobs think this is a hoax.
When one side starts to get paranoid and the other side gets frustrated and annoyed, good things never happen.
Kudos
George keeps sending “inspirational” emails, so we are still relying on Glenn for the jokes. Maybe you should try getting off your lazy ass and help by sending jokes to my submission page or drop me a laugh or two off at my flush2x@gmail.com email address.
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” ― Aesop
A beautiful young woman was getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glanced out her fifteenth-story bedroom window and saw a window washer outside.
Thinking she would rattle him, she slowly took off her dress. The window washer just went about the business of cleaning the windows.
Next, she removed her slip in a very provocative manner. Still, the man just kept working away.
Taking her striptease to the full extent, she took off her bra and panties and began parading around her room. The window washer still took no notice of her.
Finally, the woman walked over to the window and just stood there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.
At last the window washer put down his pail and said, “What’s the matter, lady, haven’t you ever seen a window washer before?”
A man went to the doctor and complained, “My asshole is too big.”
The doctor told the man to drop his pants and bend over so he could have a look. “Good Lord!” cried the doctor. “What could have made your asshole as big as that?”
Patient explained “I was fucked by an elephant.”
The doctor remarked “But an elephant’s penis is nowhere near that wide!”
It feels like most of the internet is whining about how hard it is living under the “stay at home” orders. I must concede that much of the content currently being produced by creators following the self-isolation rules has suffered in quality. Since I tend to use the internet for entertainment purposes, that actually does have a negative impact on my daily life.
Here’s the thing: I go to work in a factory where I make things, and some of them are medical, and medical is essential, so the factory is up and running as usual, save for the ubiquitous face masks that are unpleasant to wear.
After work, I make my way back home, stopping along the way if I need groceries or whatnot. Sometimes I go through a drive thru for dinner, but most of the time I fix my own meals at home. Normally I would never actually go out to eat inside of a restaurant unless family or friends had planned a “thing”.
Once I’m home, I’m generally home for the night. I might do yard work, or I may even have to go out for some must-have that I didn’t pick up on my way home from work. On the rare occasion when I don’t feel like shit and the weather is nice, I might actually take the dog for a walk.
So for me, nothing has changed! Nothing save for the fact that I have to listen to everyone else endlessly whine about how their lives have been upturned by social distancing. Bitch, please! Your “social distancing” is my default setting. I actually kind of like it when people stay the fuck away from me.
The one thing I feel shortchanged on is the fact that I still have to go to work. I’d love to be laid off, sucking down unemployment, and getting paid an extra $600 a week to stay home! This is horseshit! I’m busting my ass working overtime for less money than I would if I had been laid off!
To make matters worse, if I do get sick, my employer won’t provide sick pay, I won’t be allowed to work, and I still won’t get unemployment. I’m just fucked all the way around.
So I wish I had your “cabin fever” problem right now. I’m still having to struggle every fucking day of my life while the rest of you hootenannies are carrying on like your humanity is being abused!
You can all go to fucking hell already!
Kudos
So last week you might have noticed that more of the the jokes came from Glenn rather than George. That’s because George hasn’t actually been sending me jokes lately. He’s doing OK though. If the mood overcomes you, our submission page awaits your generous offerings. My e-mail (flush2x@gmail.com) is also at your disposal.
“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” ― Aristotle
Pax,
-f2x
June 2026
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
