Author Archives: f2x

Finding the Perfect Bride

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Harold was in his mid thirties and still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Harold replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thought for a moment and said, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they met again and his friend asked, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Harold answered, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Harold replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

Sunday, February 19, 2017

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The Time Warp Again

Part of getting older is the joy and wonder of physically falling apart. An increasingly common occurrence, I had a brain splitting headache this past week. It was one of those that necessitated the use of a sick day… or in this case two sick days.

When I get knocked out of commission like that, my state of mind is going to be altered. It’s bad enough when my head is exploding with pain, but coming out of that state is when the real mindfuck begins.

It was like my brain was a wet sponge being squeezed, and all the liquid memory started to percolate. Once the squeezing finally stopped, I still had to put the memories back in place and in the right order. Along the way I realized a lot more time had passed since my last introspective, and so many changes have occurred. The horrors I re-experienced were not just bad dreams; they were the realities I once lived through all over again.

And now it’s mostly over. I can finally go back to my routine. Only a touch of tension to remind me that I had not been well. I’m left with a mild sense of uneasiness that the world I live in is a very different place than it used to be…

But I can’t worry about that now. Too much work to catch up. Too many other things to worry about. Too little time.

Pax,

f2x

Little Johnny’s Health Advice

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”

Without even glancing up at the man, Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, but he knew when to mind his own fucking business.”

Couples Calamity

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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.

“Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

The Tow Horse

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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Still nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

“Well, Buddy is blind,” explained the farmer, “and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

The Secret to a Long and Happy Life

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A woman went up to an elderly looking man who was contently rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke about three packs a day,” he said. “I also like to drink about case of whiskey every week. I also find it helps to eat delicious fatty foods, but never waste time trying to exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“I’ll be twenty-eight in June,” he said.

Almost an Affair

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A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest asked, “What do you mean, almost?”

The man said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

Sunday, February 12, 2017

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Hobbies

So my hobby is running this website. Primarily I collect and share jokes. I also create and post a comic. Also you can’t forget about these little asides I keep writing. So quick recap: Collect jokes, make comic, rant, and post it all on this website. For some reason, this brings me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

If you regularly read my Sunday rants (although I highly doubt it), you may have noticed my fixation with visitor numbers. It got me to thinking about things… Why do I care? If curating this site is only a personal hobby, and I don’t make a dime no matter how many visitors I get, then why do I care if anyone ever visits this site?

When you look at people’s hobbies, there’s usually some kind of reward. Let’s look at some examples:

People who exercise get healthier bodies which are more attractive, and therefore increases their social status. Higher social status can lead to additional successes in mate selection and even job advancement along with a higher income.

People who restore old cars get to enjoy seeing that rusty heap turn into a shiny museum piece on wheels that they can then sell to collectors for considerably more than they put into the vehicle.

People who collect things tend to buy and sell for profit. Although mathematically there have to be a substantial number of losers in this game, we tend to gloss over it.

People who learn to play musical instruments can perform in public for money… People who learn to paint can sell their artwork… Actually all artists can sell their stuff.

Even people who go hunting for a hobby justify it by claiming they consume the meat, and that the meat has a monetary value.

Try googling “hobbies that don’t make money” and you are going to get results about hobbies that make money.

My point is, you’d be hard pressed to find a hobby that didn’t have a prosperity potential behind it, and in our increasingly capitalistic minded society, earning something for creative endeavors is becoming the only reason for creating. Isn’t the joy of creating enough?

But that still doesn’t answer the question… If I don’t make any money from this, why do I care about how many people visit this site? To be honest, I wouldn’t actually feel better about running this site if I made money off of it; I’d feel worse because of the stress caused by the obligations that come with monetary transactions.

So why?

Let me know what you think in the comments below.

Pax,

-f2x

PS: You know I did try incorporating Google Adsense into this site once… Even after two years, it didn’t even manage to get halfway to the $100 threshold needed for Google to cut a check. Never again.

PPS: I think I may have found a hobby where the hobby itself couldn’t lead to making money: Birding (aka bird watching). You might be able to come up with a method of making money off of birders, but no one is going to pay you to watch birds. So unless you’re drawing or taking pictures, or writing books or papers about birds that you can sell, bird watching by itself seems to be financially pointless. Can you think of any other popular and socially acceptable hobbies where money can’t be made?