A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest asked, “What do you mean, almost?”
The man said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
So my hobby is running this website. Primarily I collect and share jokes. I also create and post a comic. Also you can’t forget about these little asides I keep writing. So quick recap: Collect jokes, make comic, rant, and post it all on this website. For some reason, this brings me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
If you regularly read my Sunday rants (although I highly doubt it), you may have noticed my fixation with visitor numbers. It got me to thinking about things… Why do I care? If curating this site is only a personal hobby, and I don’t make a dime no matter how many visitors I get, then why do I care if anyone ever visits this site?
When you look at people’s hobbies, there’s usually some kind of reward. Let’s look at some examples:
People who exercise get healthier bodies which are more attractive, and therefore increases their social status. Higher social status can lead to additional successes in mate selection and even job advancement along with a higher income.
People who restore old cars get to enjoy seeing that rusty heap turn into a shiny museum piece on wheels that they can then sell to collectors for considerably more than they put into the vehicle.
People who collect things tend to buy and sell for profit. Although mathematically there have to be a substantial number of losers in this game, we tend to gloss over it.
People who learn to play musical instruments can perform in public for money… People who learn to paint can sell their artwork… Actually all artists can sell their stuff.
Even people who go hunting for a hobby justify it by claiming they consume the meat, and that the meat has a monetary value.
Try googling “hobbies that don’t make money” and you are going to get results about hobbies that make money.
My point is, you’d be hard pressed to find a hobby that didn’t have a prosperity potential behind it, and in our increasingly capitalistic minded society, earning something for creative endeavors is becoming the only reason for creating. Isn’t the joy of creating enough?
But that still doesn’t answer the question… If I don’t make any money from this, why do I care about how many people visit this site? To be honest, I wouldn’t actually feel better about running this site if I made money off of it; I’d feel worse because of the stress caused by the obligations that come with monetary transactions.
PS: You know I did try incorporating Google Adsense into this site once… Even after two years, it didn’t even manage to get halfway to the $100 threshold needed for Google to cut a check. Never again.
PPS: I think I may have found a hobby where the hobby itself couldn’t lead to making money: Birding (aka bird watching). You might be able to come up with a method of making money off of birders, but no one is going to pay you to watch birds. So unless you’re drawing or taking pictures, or writing books or papers about birds that you can sell, bird watching by itself seems to be financially pointless. Can you think of any other popular and socially acceptable hobbies where money can’t be made?
The husband died, and the wife brought the ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she walked out the back door and poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. “You know that dishwasher you promised me?” she said in a melancholy tone. “I bought it with the Insurance money.”
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money.”
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, “Remember that diamond ring you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.”
Finally, she reached down at her side and picked up a leaf blower as she said, “Remember that blow job I promised you? Well I hope you’re ready!”
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed. Suddenly, at 4 O’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up and yelled, “Oh no! That must be my husband!”
Panicked and naked, the man leaped from the bed. After grabbing his shirt and trousers, he jumped out the window, smashed onto the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, and made a made dash to his car.
A few minutes later the front door opened, and the man was standing there, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him. He yelled at the woman coming down the stairs, “I’M your husband, you mad cow!”
With a cynical smirk the woman looked at him and said, “Maybe so, but why were you so keen on running?”
The US Coast Guard was out patrolling in the gulf of Mexico when they spotted a small boat speeding towards the Texas shoreline. They decided to intercept the vessel to determine what they were up to. On board, they discovered three Mexicans.
“So what are you three doing heading towards the US?” asked the captain.
“We’re here to invade and take over the United States,” the three amigos replied.
The captain laughed, “Just you three?”
“Actually, we’re the last three,” said one of the Mexicans. “The other 12 million of us are already in your country.”
It shouldn’t really matter. I mean, I really like running this site, no matter how many people visit on a regular basis… but the analytics were still off by a lot more than I expected.
It’s mainly attacks from server farms, China, Russia, Ukraine, and various other hackers who routinely visit the site in order to scan for security weaknesses. It made the site appear to have more visitors than it actually did. I added some new rules to the htaccess file in order to bail them overboard so I could see truer numbers. The results were a little disheartening.
First of all, I should mention what I did. I added a few simple lines to the .htaccess file that redirected any visitor who snoops around wp-login or wp-config to google.com. That was it. For some reason my stat counter considers these valid visits when they obviously aren’t. The htaccess redirect prevents them from ever actually reaching this site.
The good news is that after redirecting those obvious bots, the number of visitors is not zero. Real people actually come here, and some of you come here on a fairly regular basis. Thanks for that. It means a lot, and I appreciate your choosing Flush Twice.
The bad news is, the numbers are embarrassingly low, and if you take away the people who googled “Ginger Jokes”, it gets even lower still. The total number of visits from actual humans is currently under fifty per day. All things considered it’s really not that bad, as it always appears to be over thirty.
Back in its heyday, Flush Twice was getting over 500 uniques per day. That may sound like bullshit, but back then, there weren’t as many cool websites to visit, and I was able to plug this site in forums. Today, plugging a site on a forum can get you banned or doxed, so I’m not taking any chances. Also, people have a lot more choices and slicker marketing campaigns targeting them. Small, independent sites like Flush Twice get shoved to the side, and nearly forgotten.
You also have to take into consideration that many internet users hang out on Twitter, Facebook. Pintrest, YouTube, and other heavyweight sites. They don’t have any incentive to venture out from their walled gardens, and so they don’t. Strangely, even when a heavyweight site noticeably increases their agitation level, they still won’t leave it. (I know this because I had to kick my own unhealthy addiction to reddit.)
But you came here today, and for that I thank you.
Pax,
-f2x
PS: In case you noticed (which I doubt, but still…) I changed the category for these asides from “News” to “Sunday Rant”. It should be fairly obvious as to why: It’s not really news, I’m usually ranting, and except for about three posts, they’re always on a Sunday. So there you have it. If you were thinking, “Hey did it always say ‘Sunday Rant’?”, it’s not your mind playing tricks, I really did change it.
So it's been kind of a mixed bag this year. Sadly, my Aunt Pam passed away back in February, then my cat, Alex, died in June. On the plus side, I got Murphy in August, and I finally managed to pay off what was left of my old revolving credit card debt that I've had hanging over me for 40 years.
Born on June 22, 2025, Murphy is about 6 months old as of this post. I picked him up off Craig's List for $10 when he was about 7 weeks old. Since then I've spent about $1300 over 5 vet visits to make sure he got all his shots and yes that includes neutering. Where Alex merely tolerated Gail, Murphy adores her. and the two are regularly seen snuggling up to one another. Those photos aren't staged. These two are really that close.
In spite of everything, I'm still gainfully employed. it's highly doubtful AI is going to take my job anytime soon, so I guess I can be thankful for that. On the other hand I recently found out I have chronic kidney disease, so that's no beuno. I won't find out until January if lifestyle and medication changes are going to be enough to keep it from progressing. Fingers crossed.
On a lighter note, I've started occasionally live-streaming Tarot card readings on Twitch. No, I don't actually believe in magical mumbo-jumbo, but there is an art to the craft. I look at Tarot as basically being psychology with flashcards. There are 78 cards, and each card can have different and multiple meanings depending on its context. When you know what you're doing you can ALWAYS match randomly dealt cards to the context. Form a coherent narrative around the cards and you can actually gain an altered perspective on your situation that may give you more confidence in facing your problems.
So that's about it for 2025. Not gonna lie: While it wasn't all bad, this year sucked pretty hard. I can't make any promises, but I fully intend on putting out more than 2 comics in 2026, and I might even include a few more jokes and rants.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!
Pax,
-f2x
September 2026
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
