Author Archives: f2x

While having drinks with her friends, a woman noticed a rather homely man looking lonely at the bar.

Intrigued by this quiet man, she excused herself from the table and took a seat next to him.

After a brief ice-breaker she said, “You know, if you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

“If I did that,” the man replied, “I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

“Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

“Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

“She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

“Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

“Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’

“And so, here we are!”

Agnes married and had 4 children.

When her first husband died, she married again and had 5 more children.

Again, her husband passed away. So Agnes remarried and this time had 3 more children.

A few years after her third husband passed, Agnes herself died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher said a prayer for her, “Thank you Lord for this very loving woman”. He paused before mentioning, “They are finally together now.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

The teacher was going over the last lesson with the class to make sure they absorbed all the information.

“OK, children, what does the chicken give you?” she asked in a cheerful tone.

“Eggs!” the kids sounded off in unison.

“Very good!” replied the teacher. “Now what does the pig give you?”

“Bacon!” came the enthusiastic response.

“Great! And what does the cow give you?”

After a moment of silence, a voice from the back shouted, “Homework!”

Little Johnny’s father asked him if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” Johnny cried as he burst into tears.

Confused, his father asked what was wrong.

Little Johnny sobbed, “First, there was no Santa Claus, then no Tooth Fairy, and finally, no Easter Bunny. If you’re about to tell me that grownups don’t really have sex, then I’ve got nothing left to believe in.”

Jesus was hanging from the cross and he called out to Peter, “Peter, I need to see you.”

Peter tried to get to the cross but the Roman soldiers fought him back.

Jesus again said, “Peter, please come here. I want to tell you something.”

Again Peter tried to fight his way through the guards but once again they stopped him.

One more time, Jesus said, “Peter, please, I need to tell you something.”

This time, Peter mustered up all of his strength, managed to get past the guards, went up to the cross and said, “Yes my Lord, what do you want to tell me.”

Jesus replied, “I can see your house from up here.”

After a few too many mixed drinks, a rather generously proportioned woman climbed onto one of the tables at the bar and started dancing.

Nearby, an equally inebriated man was watching in amazement. “Those legs are amazing!” he exclaimed.

“Do you really think so?” the woman giggled as she danced.

“Absolutely,” he replied. “Any other table would have collapsed by now!”