Author Archives: f2x

The husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his wife stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. I just wanted to tell you…”

“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?”

The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”

The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”

“Wait a minute,” said the diner, “how do you get your penis back in your pants?”

“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

Both in their late eighties, Ethel and Erma were sitting on the front porch enjoying the pleasant evening air.

Ethel turned and asked, “Do you still get horny?”

Erma quickly replied, “Oh sure I do.”

“What do you do about it?” asked Ethel

“I suck a lifesaver,” replied Erma

There was a momentary pause before Ethel blurted, “So who’s been driving you to the beach?”

Over a couple of years Harvey had developed a crush on the beautiful single woman who moved into the house across the street. Every evening he had a clear line of sight to watch her doing yoga in front of her large bay window from his living room chair.

He was surprised one afternoon when she walked across the street, up his driveway and knocked on the door. Harvey opened the door and she said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to dance, get drunk, have a good time, and get laid. Are you doing anything tonight?”

Harvey’s lip quivered a little, then he quickly said, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike.

“Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.”

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.”

“Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the corner shop would come over to see Mum. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Three buddies got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.

The first said “Let’s all go to O’Leary’s. The bartender will give us free peanuts, pretzels, and chips.”

The second said “That sounds good, but if we go to McDigger’s, the meals are half off after your third round.”

The last guy said “That sounds fine but if we go to Paddy’s, we can drink for free all night, then go out into the parking lot and get laid.”

“That sounds to good to be true!” the first two exclaimed. “Have you actually been there?” they asked.

“No,” the third guy replied, “but my wife goes there all the time.”

An extremely obese woman went to her doctor and claimed that she has tried every possible way to lose weight but to no avail.

The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet: Rectal feeding! Addressing the patient’s concerns, the doctor assured the woman that she won’t starve to death, and that she’ll actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life and still lose weight in the process.

Several weeks later the patient came in for a follow-up appointment, and it was quite apparent that she had lost a considerable amount of weight. The doctor showed the patient into the exam room and noticed that the patient kept bouncing up and down and side to side quite energetically.

The doctor asked how she was doing and if there was anything wrong.

The patient replied, “I’m feeling great Doc. Never felt better!”

“OK then, but why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?”

The woman replied, “Oh, that? I’m just chewing gum.”

10. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
9. She yells out her own name.
8. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.
7. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
6. Keeps asking, “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”
5. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.
4. You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.
3. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
2. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
1. When you request sex, she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”