I Want a Self-Driving Car
“Life is about the journey, not the destination.” – Someone who never had a daily commute.
I’m trying to get somewhere, folks, and I have to watch you insane muthaforkers weaving aimlessly like drunken mosquitos. It’s a turn lane, not a merge lane for pity’s sake!
That self-driving technology can’t get here fast enough. Just turn on the autopilot, pull the shades, and wake me when we get there.
Pax,
-f2x
Russ and Sam met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn’t show up. More days passed and still no Russ. Knowing that Russ was in his late eighties, Sam had started to assume the worst.
After a month had gone by, Russ finally showed up.
“What happened to you?” Sam asked.
Russ replied, “I’ve been in jail.”
“For what?” Sam asked incredulously.
Russ explained, “You know that cute little blonde waitress down at the coffee shop? Well, the little gold-digger figured I was rich, and she tried filing rape charges against me to scam me outa my money.”
“So what happened?”
“At 89 years old, I was so proud that I plead guilty,” said Russ. “The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”
With a knowing smile, the newly wed wife told her husband, “I’ve been cleaning up the spare room. It looks like we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
The husband started glowing with happiness. He kissed his wife said, “Oh darling, You’ve made me the happiest man in the world.”
“I’m glad that you feel that way,” she replied. “My mother will be moving in on Monday.”
A Chinese man had three daughters.
He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest,” said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest,” said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with one draggin’ on the ground.”
The city council debate was becoming increasingly heated. Politicians from both major parties were locking horns.
As they started losing their tempers, one of them sneered at the other, “Have you heard of Bob Froyd?”
“No,” admitted the other.
“Well, if you attended more council meetings, you would know that he’s the man who’s planning to open a new strip club in our town.”
Furious and wanting to do some return damage, the opponent responded, “Have you heard of Alex Moskowitz?”
“No,” said the first. “Who is he?”
“Well, if you didn’t spend all your time at these council meetings, you would know that he’s the man who’s been screwing your wife while you’re here.”
Patrick and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn’t know what to do. Patrick said to Mary, “I think we need to get some advice from the parish priest. We can’t keep on with any more children.”
So they went to see the priest and the priest said to them, “You know the church only allows two ways to limit the little ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm method.”
Patrick scratched his head and said, “Well now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a band at 4 o’clock in the morning?”
“Fontaneity?”
Today I wanted to talk more about the font I mentioned in the blurb of yesterday’s comic. The original first font has kind of been overwritten and lost, but there are examples of it in the archives.
Since I wanted a kind of handwritten font, I intentionally aimed for sloppiness. It was to look like the penmanship of a mildly gifted third grader.
The points on each font face were numerous and haphazard. That actually made it difficult to edit into a reasonable threshold of legibility. Nevertheless, I was proud of my creation. It was totally original.
Each letter had unique points because I hand “clicked” each point on each letter. That meant that the b, d, g, p, and q were not very uniform. Every letter was made a little “different” to give it that handwritten feel.
But that individuality came at a cost. There was a legibility limit to how small the font could get. While one should always practice brevity in comics, my speech bubbles could easily dominate the panel due in part because my font had to be big to be readable.
So the other day I sat down and redesigned the font. It was a major revision. Gone are the numerous unique points on every letter. Simplicity is the goal. The b, d, and p are now the same points only flipped, and letters like the n and u or t and f are basically the same. Every character borrows from another to create uniformity, and the font looks almost entirely different as a result.
I really like this updated font, and I hope you do too. I’m still a little apprehensive about updating the site’s logo, so I guess it’s going to take some getting used to.
Pax,
-f2x
Special thanks to all the joke contributors this week. I really couldn’t have pulled it off without you. If you’d like to contribute your jokes to this site, just forward your forwards to flush2x@gmail.com. We never use your e-mail to solicit or spam you, and you’ll be helping to keep Flush Twice a fun and active “Joke of the Day” site.”
Kenny was about to open the wardrobe when his wife shouted at him from across the room, “Don’t open that wardrobe! Your Christmas present is in there!”
“Too late,” said Kenny, pulling the door open. Upon looking in the wardrobe, Kenny said, “Do you always have to get me the worst presents? I mean, what would I want with a half-naked mailman?”
