A couple in their eighties just got married and was on their honeymoon. In the hotel room she slipped into something sexy and crawled into bed and waited for her new groom. He was in the bathroom sprucing himself up.
She waited and waited until she could not wait any longer. She got up and went to the bathroom and opened the door. Peering in she saw him bending over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.
She giggled, “Honey what are you doing? I’m 86 years old and can’t get pregnant anymore.”
He looked up at her and said, “I know but honey you know how dampness affects my arthritis.”
“Life is about the journey, not the destination.” – Someone who never had a daily commute.
I’m trying to get somewhere, folks, and I have to watch you insane muthaforkers weaving aimlessly like drunken mosquitos. It’s a turn lane, not a merge lane for pity’s sake!
That self-driving technology can’t get here fast enough. Just turn on the autopilot, pull the shades, and wake me when we get there.
Russ and Sam met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn’t show up. More days passed and still no Russ. Knowing that Russ was in his late eighties, Sam had started to assume the worst.
After a month had gone by, Russ finally showed up.
“What happened to you?” Sam asked.
Russ replied, “I’ve been in jail.”
“For what?” Sam asked incredulously.
Russ explained, “You know that cute little blonde waitress down at the coffee shop? Well, the little gold-digger figured I was rich, and she tried filing rape charges against me to scam me outa my money.”
“So what happened?”
“At 89 years old, I was so proud that I plead guilty,” said Russ. “The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”
With a knowing smile, the newly wed wife told her husband, “I’ve been cleaning up the spare room. It looks like we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
The husband started glowing with happiness. He kissed his wife said, “Oh darling, You’ve made me the happiest man in the world.”
“I’m glad that you feel that way,” she replied. “My mother will be moving in on Monday.”
Patrick and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn’t know what to do. Patrick said to Mary, “I think we need to get some advice from the parish priest. We can’t keep on with any more children.”
So they went to see the priest and the priest said to them, “You know the church only allows two ways to limit the little ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm method.”
Patrick scratched his head and said, “Well now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a band at 4 o’clock in the morning?”
Today I wanted to talk more about the font I mentioned in the blurb of yesterday’s comic. The original first font has kind of been overwritten and lost, but there are examples of it in the archives.
Since I wanted a kind of handwritten font, I intentionally aimed for sloppiness. It was to look like the penmanship of a mildly gifted third grader.
The points on each font face were numerous and haphazard. That actually made it difficult to edit into a reasonable threshold of legibility. Nevertheless, I was proud of my creation. It was totally original.
Each letter had unique points because I hand “clicked” each point on each letter. That meant that the b, d, g, p, and q were not very uniform. Every letter was made a little “different” to give it that handwritten feel.
But that individuality came at a cost. There was a legibility limit to how small the font could get. While one should always practice brevity in comics, my speech bubbles could easily dominate the panel due in part because my font had to be big to be readable.
So the other day I sat down and redesigned the font. It was a major revision. Gone are the numerous unique points on every letter. Simplicity is the goal. The b, d, and p are now the same points only flipped, and letters like the n and u or t and f are basically the same. Every character borrows from another to create uniformity, and the font looks almost entirely different as a result.
I really like this updated font, and I hope you do too. I’m still a little apprehensive about updating the site’s logo, so I guess it’s going to take some getting used to.
Pax,
-f2x
Special thanks to all the joke contributors this week. I really couldn’t have pulled it off without you. If you’d like to contribute your jokes to this site, just forward your forwards to flush2x@gmail.com. We never use your e-mail to solicit or spam you, and you’ll be helping to keep Flush Twice a fun and active “Joke of the Day” site.”
September 2026
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
