Marlin called his employer and said, “Hey boss, I’m not going to make it in today. I’m very sick.”
The boss replied, “Marlin, we’re swamped right now and I need you here today. Just how sick are you?”
Marlin stammered a little and said, “Well I just got done doing anal with my mom, and now I’m about to have a threesome with my sister and a goat.”
During the crusades, young men were expected to join the military and fight.
One young man had just gotten married and was forced to leave before consummating the relationship. She was still wearing her chastity belt and he had the only key.
Concerned about her well being, he met with his best friend who was staying behind. He told his friend, “Keep this key, and if I am killed, you have my blessing to use it. Promise me that you will be an honorable friend and take care of her, and that you will not use it until you have confirmed my death.”
The two men made a pact, and the young man rode off to join the distant battle.
About two hours later, as he was traveling to join the battle, the young man noticed a rider approaching at a full gallop, with a cloud of dust behind him. It was his best friend.
As his friend approached he was waving frantically, with the key in his hand shouting at the top of his voice, “You gave me the wrong key!”
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and his neighbor was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, “Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?”
“No sir,” answered the man.
“Did you ever get any from his wife?”
“No sir.”
“Did you ever get any from his daughters?”
“Uh, excuse me,” the witness said, “but we are still talking about drugs here, right?”
My Golden Soapbox
So I’m still in the process of cleaning it up, but I just wanted to mention one of my other sites, “Golden Soapbox”. It originally began before Flush Twice, but I let it go after a few years. Then back in 2011, I re-registered it and tried to create a social networking site with it. Well, that wasn’t working out either, so I just started blogging about a grab bag of topics.
As time went on, there was one subject that seemed to be the most dominant. My recipes. So I deleted everything else. Gone are the rants about Linux, hypothyroidism, product reviews, growing tomatoes, and general bitching. Now I’m up on my Golden Soapbox to show pictures of food that I made, and how I made it.
The recipes were originally haphazardly tossed onto the site, so some of the formatting is kind of ugly. Like I said, I’m cleaning it up, but I just thought I’d mention the site anyways. Now when I bring a dish and people ask about it, I’ll just tell them I got it from Golden Soapbox (dot com).
Don’t worry though, I’m not going to promote it like I do mBlip. Man, I really love that site. Let me know if you’d like an mBlip T-shirt.
Pax,
-f2x
A woman wearing a very skimpy outfit sat across from Dave on the morning train.
During the commute the woman made subtle eye contact, suggestively winking, crossing and uncrossing her legs, and even sensually licking her lips.
Dave couldn’t help but watch no matter how hard he tried to avert his eyes. He was starting to get really turned on by the floozy’s show and kept thinking to himself, “Please don’t get an erection! PLEASE don’t get an erection!”
But she did.
Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
“Hey,” Alex shouted, “what do you think you are doing?”
“I’m sick of sports, and I’m sick of TV,” she replied. “You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!”
“OK, OK. So,” he asked after a moment, “how often do you think Tom Brady gets laid?”
A couple brought a bull to mate with their cow, but were having quite a bit of trouble. They called a local veterinarian. When the vet arrived he made a cursory examination of the beast before asking the couple to describe the problem.
The husband explained, “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, and she walks away to the other side.”
The vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Michigan?”
The couple was dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
“How did you know we got the cow in Michigan?” the woman asked.
With a distant look in his eye, the vet replied, “My wife is from Michigan.”
A couple in their eighties just got married and was on their honeymoon. In the hotel room she slipped into something sexy and crawled into bed and waited for her new groom. He was in the bathroom sprucing himself up.
She waited and waited until she could not wait any longer. She got up and went to the bathroom and opened the door. Peering in she saw him bending over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.
She giggled, “Honey what are you doing? I’m 86 years old and can’t get pregnant anymore.”
He looked up at her and said, “I know but honey you know how dampness affects my arthritis.”
The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears.
“I’m afraid you’ll get the wrong idea about me,” she said between sobs. “I’m really not that kind of girl!”
“I believe you,” Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.
“You’re the first one,” Sarah replied.
“The first one to make love to you?” Joe asked.
“No, silly,” she replied. “The first one to believe me!”
