The Baby’s Checkup

A woman brought a baby to the doctor’s office for a check up. Everything seemed normal during the exam, but the doctor was a little concerned about the baby’s weight.

“Is the baby breast or bottle fed?” asked the physician.

“Breast fed,” she replied.

“Well let’s have a look then. Could you please remove your top?” the doctor requested.

The woman removed her blouse and exposed her breasts to the doctor. He proceeded to pinch her nipples. Then he pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both of them in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m the child’s grandmother, but I’m sure glad I came.”

Sunday February 4, 2018

Settling In

As boldly announced late Thursday, we have a new web host running on a more modern platform. This upgrade came with a bittersweet realization. Flush Twice sees less than 40 visitors per day.

How do we know this? Well, on the backend of this site I run a visitor counter. Now in the past, it was polluted with crawlers and spambots. You could tell because it showed the most recent IP addresses, and randomly checking an address number would rarely be originating from an ISP, which would have indicated a person. Instead, most of the IP address turned out to be from some random hosting site, which would indicate a bot.

Fortunately the new host has something that naturally filters out around 99% of the bots: Enforced SSL encryption. Because bots don’t typically want to waste their time trying to establish a secure connection, forced encryption is like spraying Lysol on bacteria, but in this case the bacteria are the bots.

Even though that number is barely over a single visitor every hour, I’m actually impressed by how high that number still is. And you know what? I feel confident that this number will increase over time.

Furthermore, I replaced the old “NewStatPress” with “WP Statistics”. I couldn’t do that on the old hosting site because their version of PHP was too old. As a result I get a few extra bells and whistles. I’m being fully transparent. Every post has a hit count at the bottom of it, and if you’re reading this in the sidebar, you’ll see the visitor count for today and yesterday below this post. Keep in mind that “today” starts at midnight EST.

So there you have it. I only wish people would send me more jokes. My current contributors are a little burnt out, and it’s looking pretty thin in the queue… Oh I better stipulate the jokes have to be ones we haven’t posted before, and they should be funny. Don’t worry about format or spelling, because I’ll clean that up when I post them. Anyway, send me your best jokes, and if you have a friend that always forwards them to you, then forward them to me! As always my e-mail address is flush2x@gmail.com

Pax,

-f2x

Hypnotic Havoc

When her husband walked in the door, the wife excitedly told him, “Dear, you know those headaches I’ve been having all of these years? Well, they’re finally gone!”

The husband was impressed and asked how she did it.

The woman explained, “I went to that new hypnotist in town, and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache.’ Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone now.”

The husband was curious. His prowess in the bedroom had been on the decline over the years and wondered if the hypnotist could help him as well. His wife encouraged him to try it, and the next day he made an appointment.

Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband came home, ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife and carried her into the bedroom. He laid her on the bed and said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He disappeared into the bathroom for a moment and then came back to make sweet, passionate love to his wife like never before.

Basking in the afterglow his wife said, “That was wonderful!”

The husband said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.”

He went back into the bathroom, came back a moment later, and jumped in for round two with his wife. It was even better than the first time!

Her head was spinning, but the wife sat up and said, “This is amazing!”

Her husband again said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back,” and slipped into the bathroom yet again.

This time his wife was curious. She quietly crept to the door and peeked through the open crack to see how he was doing it.

There he was standing in front of the mirror saying, “She is not my wife. She is NOT my wife. She is NOT MY WIFE!”

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Major Behind The Scenes Change!

I’m very pleased to announce that Flush Twice has successfully been migrated to a new webhost!

What? Why? Is this still the same site?

Yes, I’m still in charge around here, and everything is running great. I just signed on to be hosted by SiteGround for MANY reasons, but here’s a few things you can enjoy:

  • Faster page loads!
  • More reliable uptime!

… and my favorite:

  • —- HTTPS! —-

The other thing I like is they actually do have 24/7 customer support. My trusty old webhost of 12 years was bought out by Endurance International Group a while back, and they pretty much got rid of all their technical support. When I had a back-end issue with Flush Twice, I couldn’t get ahold of anyone to help me. SiteGrounds has support, https, and a more modern interface.

It’s taken me a while to figure out this new hosting site, but I think we’re gonna like it here.

Pax,

-f2x

Sisters of Scandal

A meeting was called about a troubling matter. Mother superior stood before the other sisters flanked by Monsignor Francis.

“I feel it is our duty to inform you of something very serious,” began the Reverend Mother. “We have discovered a case of gonorrhea within the walls of our convent.”

“Thank God,” said Sister Agnes from the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”

Fingering the Floozy

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was very receptive to his advances after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand in her panties.

At first she seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried, “Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!”

“I’m not wearing a ring,” the man sheepishly admitted. “That’s my Timex.”

Describe Your Mom as a Bird

The teacher announced, “The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why.”

She left the kiddies for a short while and then asked them their answers.

Kelly at the front went first, “My Mummy’s like a swan, because she’s white and elegant”

“Thank you Kelly” says teacher, and she continued going around the class.

Bobby said “My Mummy’s like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters.”

“Thank you Bobby,” said the teacher, and continued with the other students.

Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asked him, “Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?”

Little Johnny piped up with “A thrush!”

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asked, “Why is that?”

Little Johnny replied, “Because she’s an irritating bitch!”

Met at the Brothel

Scott was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.

“You shouldn’t be so unhappy about it,” the barkeep said, “It’s actually kind of romantic.”

“Oh, yeah?” responded Scott. “Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn’t give me my money back and refused to give me another girl.”

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Moving Right Along

So “Art Evolution” is the way an artist’s work changes over time. Back in 2004 I drew stick figures, but that evolved. By the end of the first year, you couldn’t really call them stick figures anymore. The characters were still very rudimentary until the seventh year when the limbs tapered and I started drawing hands. In 2011 I started using a 3D engine to create the backgrounds, or as I call them: “sets”. A lot has changed, but my characters are easily recognizable from their humble beginnings.

Yesterday’s comic featured Alexis and Birdie. I remember the first time I showed those characters to one of my coworkers. She laughed at my comical attempts to put boobs on a stick figure. Later on when I tried to make actual characters, their breasts ended up looking like a couple of gumdrops stuck on a male torso. I’m actually pretty embarrassed even looking at those old designs. I mean, what was I thinking?

Today their bosoms look like they were illustrated by a person who’s actually seen a woman, and just this past week I finally finished upgrading their templates. (Yes, I make and use character templates. Don’t judge me!) At one point I made a test image of Birdie in a skirt. She looked very neat and feminine. I almost wept.

In the past I’ve avoided including the females in the story because they are inherently more difficult to depict. With my latest technique, I hope to put more of that reluctance behind me. Don’t hold me to it, but maybe in a year or two, I might even introduce a few more female characters.

My art evolution has been slow, but that’s OK with me. Now if only my humor and script writing abilities could improve as much, then this comic might be as good as “Gamer Chicks”. I know it’s a pretty lofty goal, but I’ve failed enough in the past that failure doesn’t really bother me anymore. It’s the “not trying” aspect that really gets to me.

Pax,

-f2x