The Magic of Jesus

A guy in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The guy looked across the
restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress
nodded “yes,” so the guy requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was a man with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that
Jesus over there?” The waitress nodded, so the man asked her to give
Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a guy on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there, honey! How’s
about gettin’ me a cold glass of Miller Light!” He, too, looked across the
restaurant and asked, “Is that God’s boy over there?” The waitress once more
nodded, so the man directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. “On
my bill,” he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the man in a wheelchair, and touched him and said,
“For your kindness, you are healed.” The man felt the strength come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the man and, touched him and said, “For your
kindness, you are healed.” The man felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out
the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the 3rd man on crutches, The man quickly jumped up, and yelled,
“Don’t touch me! I’m collecting disability!

Devil’s Deal

There were three guys- a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic. They went to hell for their sin and were standing in front of the devil.

The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room for a 1000 years with your temptations and if you get over your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.

So the sex addict got locked in a room full of attractive women, the alcohol addict got locked in a room stocked with all kinds of alcohol, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.

A 1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying “My dick hurts, and I’m never having sex again”; poof – back to earth.

The alcoholic’s room is opened and he say “My head feels awful and I’m never having any alcohol again”; poof -back to Earth.

Then the Devil opens the weed addict’s room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says “you forgot my lighter bitch!”

Talking Centipede

A man buys a talking centipede for $5000, and takes it home in a small box.

After 30 minutes, he opens the box and says “Would you like to go for a pint?”.

Silence; the centipede doesn’t answer. Raising his voice, the man repeats his question, but still no reply.

Becoming agitated, and starting to think he has been conned, he leans forward and loudly shouts the question into the box.

The centipede sticks his head out of the box and angrily shouts back at the man; “I heard you the first time you impatient bastard, I’m putting on my fucking shoes.”

Getting Women to Like You

a man was in a party with his friend barney

he asked his friend: “how do you get women to like you so much?”

barney replied: “i have a trick, every time i meet them i squeeze them on the butt, it has some kind of pavlovian effect or something but it always works”

the man then went home, him and his wife haven’t had sex for a couple of months now so he thought he should try this trick.

his wife was in the kitchen, he approached her from behind and squeezed her ass

his wife replied: “oh barney is that you?”

Sunday, July 25, 2021

It Hurt Itself in Its Confusion

As the pandemic continues to spread throughout the ranks of the willfully ignorant, my smile is only diminished by the fact that the vast majority will survive. In any event, a certain demographic has lost its members in record numbers, and nearly everyone else is noticeably unsympathetic with that loss.

Currently about 250 people a day are dying from the ‘rona in the US. There for a while it got up to almost 4,000 in a single day. All told, nearly 1 in 5,000 Americans have died from the Wuhan flu, which makes me wonder, how are we going to kill the other 4,999?

Obviously you can’t kill them with the vaccine. If you count every person who died after taking any of the covid vaccines, and just assume it was the vaccine that did it, the kill ratio is only 1 out of every 56,000 people. And that’s about how many people would have been expected to die if there were neither a China Flu nor a vaccine. It looks like if we want to kill more people, we are going to need a lot more stupidity since science has failed us once again.


Kudos

I just want to acknowledge that Big D threw in a joke that will appear next week. This week’s jokes were all stolen from reddit. To keep me honest, you could try using the submission page a little more regularly, but in any event there are going to be jokes here by hook or by crook.

Also, I can’t say for certain if there is going to be a comic this coming weekend. I’m going to try, but work might get a little hectic.

Pax,

-f2x