About ten years ago, I started vaping in an attempt to quit smoking. It worked, and I no longer smoke. I still occasionally vape, and I make my own juice.
See back in the day, they really only had flavors that tried to mimic tobacco. They also had some minty flavors and some fruity flavors that were nothing like what people have access to today. The fruit flavors back then were very mild, and were also accompanied by those so called “tobacco” flavors. Granted, vaping was still very new at the time, but it was disappointing even back then.
OK, so along the way I heard about making your own e-liquid. It was cheaper and tastier than the pre-made juices. I had bought a bunch of LorAnn flavorings and went to work crafting the greatest e-liquid the world had ever seen!
Actually, my e-liquid that I settled on is a flavorless mix of PG and VG with an absurdly low 1mg/ml of nicotine. It’s tasteless, odorless, and has a mild throat hit… But I digress.
Citrus zest, coriander, cinnamon, and nutmeg. These are the primary ingredients to make a popular flavor known as “Cola”. There are a myriad of flavor possibilities out there. Go down any grocery aisle, and you will find dozens of soda pop flavors, but they only scratch the tip of the iceberg. There are soda flavors out there that you have likely never even heard of!
So I bought a “SodaStream Fizzi” at Target the other day, and now I’ve been playing around with trying to come up with the greatest soft drink the world has ever seen! Of course most of the stuff I’m making is totally gross. Carbonated carrot is hardly a winner, but it’s something fun to do while I wait for the world to end.
Kudos
Glenn sent me some jokes. I stole a few from another website. If you feel like it, check out our submission page or send jokes to flush2x@gmail.com.
“Soft drinks: The gooey, bubbly sea drowning our American children.” ― Marlene Dietrich
It was obvious Lou needed a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
When he went to get fitted, he told the hearing specialist, “Let me see the cheapest model you’ve got!”
The specialist put a large heavy device around Lou’s neck. “This is our $2.00 model. You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructed.
“How does it work?” asked Lou.
“For $2.00, it doesn’t actually work at all,” the specialist replied. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”
While driving their respective cars, a blonde and a midget had a collision that resulted in considerable damage to the cars, but thankfully no one was injured.
The midget got out of his car and inspected the wreck before walking up the the blonde. “I’M NOT HAPPY!” he bellowed in disgust.
The blonde looked down at the little man and replied, “So which one are you?”
Martin needed to cut down several trees on his property. He went to a chainsaw shop and asked about various chainsaws.
The dealer told him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but save yourself the time and aggravation and get our top-of-the-line chainsaw. It can cut a hundred cords of wood a day.”
So Martin took the chainsaw home and began working on the trees. After cutting for several hours, he decided to quit, having only cut two cords of wood. The next morning he got up at 4 AM and cut until nightfall, but only managed to cut five cords.
Convinced it was a bad saw, Martin went back to the dealer who sold it to him.
The dealer removed the chainsaw from its case and examined the unit. “It looks fine,” he remarked, and then proceeded to start the chainsaw.
Martin clapped his hands over his ears and shouted, “What the hell is that noise?”
An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.
The old lady made her first wish, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.”
POOF! A huge pile of money appeared next to her on the porch!
She smiled and said, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being young and beautiful again.”
POOF! She turned into a beautiful young woman.
“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them.
“Can you change my cat into a handsome young man?” she asked.
POOF! Before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone she could possibly imagine.
As her fairy godmother flew away, the handsome young man sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear, “Now I bet you’re really sorry you had me neutered!”
Two marijuana plants walked into a bar and sat next to a couple of Viagra pills. As the marijuana plants mulled over their drinks, they lamented the fact that in most places they were still considered illegal.
The Viagra pills overheard the conversation and scoffed. They remarked how they felt marijuana should be illegal everywhere.
The Marijuana plants tried to explain their case to the Viagra pills, but to no avail.
Finally the bartender came over and explained to the marijuana plants, “It’s no use trying to convince them, They’re hard on drugs.”
My family has three sacred holidays. The most important is Christmas, followed by Thanksgiving, and then there is Easter. Our family clan has gathered on the 4th of July only once, but that’s usually a “Do your own thing” holiday just like New Year’s and Labor day. And outside of the day off work, Memorial day doesn’t get much love either.
Typically though, we will have about one or two non-holiday family gatherings during the summer, but that’s about it.
It was almost weird not having Easter this year. I say “almost” because in recent years, I could take it or leave it. Traditionally my dad hosts Easter, and he’s gotten much older and crankier. Going over and helping him set things up is a true test of patience that I don’t have anymore.
He had a strong tendency to get pissed and fly off the handle at me for absolutely no valid reason. He would go off on stupid shit like merely asking, “Hey Dad, where do you want me to put the cooler?” His dementia fueled tantrums has driven me to the point where I have to outright refuse to help him set up for family gatherings.
So I’m not sad that Easter got the ax. If anything, it’s kind of nice that I didn’t have to put up with the stress of it all this year.
Hopefully you and yours are also enjoying a low stress Easter.
Kudos
Thanks to Glenn and George for providing me with jokes this week. Our submission page is still open as is my email address at flush2x@gmail.com. Please consider contributing a joke or two.
“When you’re 89, dementia develops. I mean, I’ve told a story onstage, and I’m telling it with a full heart, and I forgot the damn punch line.” ― Jerry Lewis
Yesterday marked 10 years to the day of my mother's passing. Dad and I went out to dinner to pay homage in her memory. Like the decade before, I never would have dreamed we'd end up where we did.
I still maintain that somewhere along the way, I ended up in the "bad timeline". I'm not saying that things are all that bad, or that I regret my decisions. On the contrary, I'm where I am today in spite of my decisions. No matter what choices I could have made, this is where I was fated to be... and it's so unsatisfying.
On a lighter note
My comic is 20 years old this month! Think about it... 20 years ago I started putting pictures of stick figures up here in an attempt to dress up a rather boring hand coded html page. Seeing how it started and how it turned out is kind of neat. It has certainly gone through some dramatic changes from those original daily panels to my current sporadic offerings. I wish I could have combined the naive wit of my youth with my current "drawing" abilities. I've become far too jaded in my old age and it puts a damper on my creativity.
Of course looking back at some of my early work, I'm not so sure my "wit" was all that great either. The "art" was definitely bad... And now that I'm looking at it, the gags weren't really all that great either, but I was putting out a daily panel rather consistently for a while there.
Yeah, now that I think about it... those old comics sucked. As I'm glancing through them I feel myself cringing in disgust... Wow... Maybe I do have some regrets after all! Oh those wasted hours I spent navel gazing to come up with crap that makes Chis Chan look inspired! Thank god no one is actually reading this shit!
So to wrap it up...
Happy New Year, everybody! I'm really not sure how much stuff I'll add to Flush Twice in '24, but I'll get to it whenever I get the chance. Be sure to like and subscribe, and leave a comment down below if there's anything you'd like to see happen over the next 12 months.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.