After his female coworker fell quite ill, Bob drove her home from work. Though it was an innocent gesture, it concerned him that if his wife found out, she would fly into a jealous rage.
After work, Bob and his wife had plans to dine out. On the way to the restaurant he noticed a high-heel shoe peeking out from under the passenger seat.
Bob was afraid his wife would discover that another woman had been in the car, so he waited until she was looking out her window before scooping up the shoe and tossing it out the driver’s window.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot and parked the vehicle. As he was about to get out of the car, his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”
So in case you haven’t heard, I recently procured a lab pup following the loss of my beloved Grace. Now Grace was a very good dog. Though I raised her from pup, I resist taking full credit for why she turned out to be so remarkable. I really think Grace was just born that way.
The new pup, Gail, is not so naturally graceful. She has a lot of issues that need to be addressed, and I’m not above using the internet to find suggestions on how to deal with those issues.
The biggest problem with internet advice is the signal to noise ratio, and this is never truer than looking for behavioral training advice on dogs. There are a few things that work for most dogs, some things that work for some dogs, and a lot of things that will never work for your dog.
Take crating your pup… for instance… My vet even thought this was a great idea. This. did. not. work.
I put the crate in the kitchen, lined it with a cozy comforter, filled it with toys, played with her in and around it for a few days. Fed her treats and food in it. So far so good, right? Then we put the door on it, and we tried a few sessions where she spent time in it, but then let her out if she became agitated, and always positive rewards! Great! But then it’s time to go back to work…
What I came home to… Oh God… I’m still having nightmares…
Not only had she shit in her properly sized crate, she also managed to roll around in it, and stomp a considerable amount of the excrement through the cage, creating a fine spray of shit all over the kitchen.
That crate is in the city dump now. When I leave for work, I closed the doors to certain rooms, but otherwise Gail now has free roam of the house. Other than having to clean the pee and the poo from the carpets and tossing out the latest shreds from the remains of the couch, there really aren’t any behavioral problems to which I can speak…
…without fear of repercussions.
Kudos
Do you like what you’re reading? Do you want to help out? Head on over to my Patreon– Oh wait. I don’t have one of those… Yet. In the meantime, you can help out by heading on over to our submission page and dropping off a joke that you’ve either found on the internet, or even some [OC] you made by yourself. You can also send the jokes to my email at flush2x@gmail.com like Glenn and George do.
Oh, in case you were wondering which jokes were Glenn’s and which came from George last week, it was a trick: They were all from George.
Two college buddies ran into each other after many years. It turned out, one of them had actually had quite a bit of financial success, and his pal asked him how he did it.
“Well, you might think this sounds corny, but after graduation, I found God,” explained the former classmate. “After praying for guidance I opened the Bible at random, dropped my finger on a word, and the word was “oil”. Well, I invested in oil, and those oil wells gushed! A few years later I dropped my finger on another word and it was “gold”, so I invested in gold and the price soared!”
The friend was so impressed that he rushed home, grabbed his dusty old Bible off the book shelf, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes to see where his finger rested:
A little girl was sitting on her grandpa’s lap studying the wrinkles on his old but kindly face. She gently ran her fingers over the wrinkles before touching her own face.
With a look of wonder and puzzlement, the granddaughter asked, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, but that was a long time ago,” replied her smiling grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asked the girl.
“Yes, He did. About 5 years ago in fact,” answered her grandpa.
“Boy,” marveled the little girl, “He sure is doing a much better job these days, isn’t He?”
After years of scrimping and saving, Harold told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for back in 1999.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
You know, I’m not really a big fan of puppies. The best part about puppies is that they grow up to be dogs. The dog is where it’s at. The puppy is this cute but highly annoying stage in a dog’s life, so as I see Gail getting bigger, you can bet I’m thrilled and relieved that months from now I’m going to have an amazing Labrador that I can take places and do things with, because my dog will know how to act.
But I know some people just like puppies, so here she is in all her maximum cuteness, forever immortalized in a GIF of her barking.
And now she wears a “bark collar” so that shit ain’t gonna happen no more.
I love my dog, but I’m not above using every dirty trick in the book to make sure she turns out right.
Kudos
Speaking of dirty tricks, this weeks jokes are brought to you by Glenn and George. See if you can spot the difference. Better yet, send in a joke you heard to our submission page for a chance to see me mention your name or alias right here in this space next week. You can also send it to flush2x@gmail.com if you feel so inclined as well.
As mentioned a few weeks ago, I lost my beloved orange tabby, Alex, on June 19, 2025. While he had an amazing 16 year run, his passing came much sooner than it should have. I still miss him dearly.
Fortunately cats are pretty easy to come by. All you need is Craigslist and a little patience. After watching religiously for about 7 weeks, anyone could find the exact cat they were looking for... and that's how I got Murphy! Come to think of it, that's kinda how I got Alex as well.
Murphy was born on June 22, 2025. This tasty little hash brown was listed Tuesday night. I texted the number the next morning and went right round to go see him that afternoon. He was perfect, so I paid the $10 "rehoming" fee and took him to be my newest, bestest buddy.
Ten bucks probably sounds like a pretty good deal, right? Well... Yesterday he had his first vet appointment, and the bill wasn't cheap. I already knew he had ear mites because he had been scratching at his ears, so I swabbed them and looked at it under an old microscope of mine. Let's just say they threw in the ear mite cleaning FOR FREE because they were already able to cover a yacht payment with everything else they charged me for!
His follow up booster shot is in 3 weeks. Cha-ching! smh.
As of this Sunday, I've had him a total of about 4 days, and so far he's cost me well over $500! At least he's comfortable and feels right at home. While he can't jump up on the bed yet, his needle like claws allow him to climb up the side of the mattress like Spider-cat, and then he likes to snuggle up with me an Gail... Which kinda worries me, cuz him being so small and all, he's liable to get flattened!
To recap: I got another cat. He's orange, he's smol, and he's a little spitfire. That's about all I have to say on the subject at the moment, but I'm sure there will be more photo ops along the way.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
