An older couple, Hubert and Valerie, had left the restaurant and were on their way home. They were only a few blocks from their house when Valerie remembered that she had accidentally left her glasses at the restaurant.
Obviously irritated, Hubert grumbled as he turned the car around and headed back to the establishment. He couldn’t help but berate his wife the whole time on their return trip. Valerie began to deeply resent his belittlement of her, simply because she forgot her glasses.
When Hubert pulled into the parking lot, Valarie got out of the car and was relieved that she was momentarily away from Hubert’s complaining.
Just then, Hubert rolled down his window and shouted, “And while you’re in there, you might as well make yourself useful and grab my credit card and hat!”
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, and a Jew were old friends having a discussion
after dinner.
The Catholic announced, “As you all know, I have a very large fortune, and I intend to buy out Citibank!”
The Protestant chimed in and said, “I too am very wealthy, and I’m making it my mission to buy out General Motors!”
The Muslim remarked “Well, I am a fabulously rich prince, and I have made it my intention to purchase all of Microsoft!”
The first three waited for their Jewish friend to speak.
The Jew stirred his coffee, placed the spoon neatly on the table, and took a sip. He then looked sternly at his comrades before saying, “I’m not selling.”
With only 57 days to go, Linda dragged Roger to go Christmas shopping with her at the mall. After walking from store to store for what seemed like hours, Roger quietly slipped away.
When Linda realized her husband had disappeared, she called his cell phone and angrily demanded, “Where the hell are you?”
Roger replied, “Darling, do you remember the jewelry shop where you fell in love with that diamond necklace, but we never had the money to buy it?”
Linda blushed as she smiled and said, “Yes I remember, my love.”
I have had nearly 4 weeks with my new pup, and Gail is now 12 weeks old. It is utterly amazing how long that four weeks feels, but also how much progress has been made. Just yesterday she was able to go down the back door stairs for the first time.
This is a huge breakthrough, since she has to go down three steps in order to go outside. Once she started doing it on her own, we practiced again and again, down the stairs, out the door, around the yard, in the door, up the stairs, and have a treat! Huzzah!
And after all that, she still went in and pissed on the carpet, but that’s what the Bissel is for… That’s also why I’m replacing the wall to wall carpet with the sheet vinyl flooring that I purchased from Home Depot a couple weeks ago. It looks like real wood. I’m installing it myself, so it might take me a while.
One other thing Gail has managed to accomplish is getting up onto the couch on her own. She’s still working on being able to jump up onto the bed, but for now there is a step she can use to climb up on her own.
She fully grasps the concept of her name, and usually obeys “come here”. We’re also making pretty good progress on “stay”, and most importantly, “Let it go” with regards to the cat. As Gail has gotten bigger, putting an end to her predatory cat chasing is an absolute priority.
Of course to train her, I grab her by the neck and slam her against the wall as hard as I can while yelling, “Let it go!” She usually drops the cat after the first three slams, but more recently it feels like she’s finally starting to take the hint and avoid the cat altogether… Don’t I wish… If I’m not there to say, “A-Ah! Let it go!” followed by a treat, she will chase Alex like a walking squeak toy.
And that’s why four weeks feels like forever. A few nights ago she picked up her water dish and slung it around the kitchen while I was doing the dishes, then she chased the cat while I stumbled around on the newly installed “Slip ‘N Slide”.
But then she curled up next to me in bed last night and slept like a little angel, and for a moment I thought, it’s going to be all right.
Kudos
Once again, a big shout out to Glenn and George, and a reminder that our submission page is for sumbitting jokes, not spammy garbage about making money on YouTube. Same can be said for using flush2x@gmail.com as well. Great for sending jokes, but at least Google does a fine job of filtering out the junk.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.
As the man stepped off the curb to cross the street, a car careened around the corner about a block away.
With the car speeding towards him, the man picked up the pace to cross the road faster, but then the driver suddenly swerved to change lanes.
Panicked, the man darted back towards the side of the street he came from, but again the car swerved back into its original lane and was headed straight towards the man.
Now terrified, the man froze in place. The car screeched sideways, coming to a halt, mere inches from the pedestrian.
The motor still purred as the power window rolled down. To the man’s surprise there was a squirrel behind the wheel of the car.
Before the man could respond to what just happened, the squirrel said, “Not as easy as it looks, now is it?”
A beggar approached a well-dressed man walking down the street and asked, “Say pal, could you spare twenty bucks for a cup of coffee?”
“Twenty dollars?!” exclaimed the gentleman. “Listen my dear fellow, nowhere in this town will you find a place that charges that much for a cup of coffee!”
“I know,” said the panhandler, “but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday, and I wanted to knock off early.”
After his family moved to a new town, little Johnny had his first day at a new school. His previous school records seemed to be misplaced, so the principal was trying to assess Johnny’s education level.
“Can you count to ten?” asked the principal.
“I sure can!” beamed little Johnny. “My dad taught me how!”
“Well then, what comes after nine?” quizzed the principal.
“Ten!” said little Johnny.
“And do you know what comes after ten?”
With a confident smile, Johnny replied, “The Jack!”
So it's been kind of a mixed bag this year. Sadly, my Aunt Pam passed away back in February, then my cat, Alex, died in June. On the plus side, I got Murphy in August, and I finally managed to pay off what was left of my old revolving credit card debt that I've had hanging over me for 40 years.
Born on June 22, 2025, Murphy is about 6 months old as of this post. I picked him up off Craig's List for $10 when he was about 7 weeks old. Since then I've spent about $1300 over 5 vet visits to make sure he got all his shots and yes that includes neutering. Where Alex merely tolerated Gail, Murphy adores her. and the two are regularly seen snuggling up to one another. Those photos aren't staged. These two are really that close.
In spite of everything, I'm still gainfully employed. it's highly doubtful AI is going to take my job anytime soon, so I guess I can be thankful for that. On the other hand I recently found out I have chronic kidney disease, so that's no beuno. I won't find out until January if lifestyle and medication changes are going to be enough to keep it from progressing. Fingers crossed.
On a lighter note, I've started occasionally live-streaming Tarot card readings on Twitch. No, I don't actually believe in magical mumbo-jumbo, but there is an art to the craft. I look at Tarot as basically being psychology with flashcards. There are 78 cards, and each card can have different and multiple meanings depending on its context. When you know what you're doing you can ALWAYS match randomly dealt cards to the context. Form a coherent narrative around the cards and you can actually gain an altered perspective on your situation that may give you more confidence in facing your problems.
So that's about it for 2025. Not gonna lie: While it wasn't all bad, this year sucked pretty hard. I can't make any promises, but I fully intend on putting out more than 2 comics in 2026, and I might even include a few more jokes and rants.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
