First Time Skydiving

A man always wanted to go skydiving and was finally able to gather the courage. He went to the airport and inquired about what is involved in the jump.

The manager explained the procedure to him: “We are expert chute packers and have never had a failure. We will take you up in the plane and tell you when to jump out. You’ll pull the main chute ripcord. It always works, but if it doesn’t, you’ll pull the auxiliary chute ripcord. You’ll float softly to the ground, and we will meet you in that truck over there.”

The man decided to go for it. The plane took off and circled the airfield.

He jumped out and the main chute failed. He pulled the second ripcord and that failed.

As the man looked down towards the fast approaching ground, he muttered, “I bet that damned truck isn’t there either.”

Mad Martin

Once upon a time a guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws, tornadoes and droughts, not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn’t skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: “If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can.”

Fred was pretty perplexed at this and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they’d ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.

Until one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, “Martin’s coming! Head for the hills!” The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn’t believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn’t wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, “Wait here til I get back!” The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, “You pussycats stay here til I’m done!” The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, “What the hell do you think you’re looking at?!”

Fred managed to say, “N-n-n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?”

To which the fellow replied, “Hell no! I don’t have time! I gotta get out of here. Mad Martin’s coming!”

Condom Packaging

A father and his eight year old son where walking down the aisle in a drug store when they happened to pass by the condoms.

The boy asked, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the father replied, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. He picked up a package of 3 and asked, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replied, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

The boy noticed a 6-pack and asked “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men”, the dad answered, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

Then who uses these?” he asked while picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for the married men, One for January, one for February, one for March…”

Sunday, October 28, 2018

Happy Halloween

No story this weekend. I’m still pretty busy with work at the moment, and that’s a good thing.

So you see, I have two vehicles: An SUV and a sedan. BOTH are currently in the shop at this very moment, and the repair bill is likely to be over one thousand dollars.

This is kind of a bummer too, because I thought I had a pretty good system. The sedan is a $3000 beater that bought back in 2009. I use it to drive back and forth to work. The SUV was purchased in 2012 for $4100. It’s used for trips down the highway to visit my dad, and it’s also my “go to” for when I plan on having passengers. Both vehicles were bought used and have nearly 400,000 miles between the two of them.

The idea was that while one was in the shop, I would still have the other to reliably get around… but wouldn’t you know it. The very night I took my SUV in to replace a wheel bearing, the sedan suddenly developed a serious issue with breaking and engine idle on the way to work. Now I’m driving my mom’s car. She died back 2014, but dad kept it for just such an occasion.

So that’s my week… How’s your week going?

Kudos and Promos

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