The Voice

A man was walking down the street when suddenly he heard a voice from out of nowhere: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

Astonished, the man continued walking, and after awhile he was going to cross the road when once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, and sure enough, a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

Looking around him, the man shouted out, “Where are you? Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” said the man. “And just where were you when I got married?”

Jesus Pancakes

As their mother prepared breakfast, the two young brothers were arguing over who should get the first pancake.

Their mother saw it as an opportunity to teach them a moral lesson. “Now boys, if Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘I can wait. Let my brother have the first pancake.'”

The 9 year old turned to his younger brother and said, “Did you hear that, Louis? You get to be Jesus today!”

Sunday, August 19, 2018

A Comment on Comment Spam

In the old days, bots flew over the internet in giant flocks so dense, they could block out all meaningful discourse. It was infuriating for everyone who had a website. The creative spellings of Cialis were endless, and their broken links were mildly curious until you realized that they weren’t really trying to sell your visitors something; they were trying to ruin your site.

Many anti-spam plugins were born. Some involve captchas, some utilized alien brain waves, but for the most part, spam was something that you really didn’t see very much of anymore. Instead, as a webmaster, you saw messages from your anti-spam solution telling you just how wonderful a job it was doing by protecting you from spam.

So I got to thinking… Just how much spam am I really getting these days? It turns out, it’s not a whole lot. I deleted my anti-spam plugin, and apparently even the spambots hate my site. There have been only five (5) spam comments in the past month. Basically it’s about one spam per week, which is more than twice the rate of legitimate comments.

Wait… I have legitimate comments? Huh… Apparently there are 53 of them since 2016, so yes, yes there are actual people making occasional comments. Of course about half those comments are from me replying to the nice folks who bothered to make the comments, so that would make the spam rate about four times the rate of people making comments which basically doesn’t mean shit, because Zombo.com is still getting more daily visitors than Flush Twice.

Oh, I shouldn’t really complain though… Oh wait. That’s why I’m here in the first place. It’s a Sunday rant, and today I’m ranting that I don’t get very much comment spam for some reason. Damn. I sure do rant about some really stupid shit.

So what do you think? Leave a spam-like comment in the comments below, and I’ll be sure to personally delete it.

Before I sign off, I just want to give a special thanks to Glenn A. and George L. for this week’s jokes. Flush Twice would not be possible if not for the dedicated people who contribute the jokes to this site. You can contribute jokes here or by emailing them to flush2x@gmail.com.

Pax,

-f2x

How to Become a Millionaire

A young man was availed and opportunity to ask a local millionaire how he made his fortune.

The old man leaned back in his chair and said, “Well, son, it was 35 years ago, and I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month.”

“So you made your fortune selling apples?”

“No, by then my wife’s father had died and left us two million dollars.”

A Leafy Bottom

Mark was very nervous about his doctor’s appointment, and was being very private about it.

When the doctor entered the room, Mark revealed his condition. Apparently his bum had leaves sprouting out of it, and not just any leaves; they were lettuce leaves!

The doctor carefully examined his patient, and after a few moments of poking and prodding he stood up and shook his head.

“Doctor, can you get rid of the lettuce leaves? Will I be alright?” Mark asked pleadingly.

“It’s hard to say,” replied the doctor, “but from what I can tell, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Movie Prices

Marvin hadn’t been to the movies in many years, but on a whim he decided to visit the newly constructed theater downtown. While the new building was very impressive, the ticket prices were much higher than he was expecting.

As Marvin handed over his money he commented, “Back in my day, the ticket prices were a mere fraction of what you’re charging!”

“Well you’re in for a real treat today, Sir,” said the man behind the counter. “These days the shows have sound!”

The Frog and Rat Act


A man walked into a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender served the beverage, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a rat. He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. The rat stretched, cracked his knuckles, and proceeded to expertly play the piano.

The man finished his drink, and ordered another one. As the bartender served the next drink, the man reached into another pocket, pulled out a bullfrog, and set it next to the tiny piano. The bullfrog began to sing along with the rat’s music.

A stranger from the other end of the bar came down and offered the man $100.00 for the bullfrog.

“Sorry,” the man replied, “he’s not for sale.”

The stranger increased the offer to $250.00.

“No,” he insisted, “he’s not for sale.”

The stranger again increased the offer, this time to $500.00 cash.

The man finally agreed, and turned the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you insane?” the bartender cried. “That frog was worth millions, and you let him go for a mere $500!”

“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog wasn’t anything special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

Shipwrecked in the Caribbean!


A strong storm blew across the Caribbean, and a very expensive yacht sank without a trace. The only two survivors was the boat’s owner, Mr. Worthmore and the steward, Tino who managed to swim to a tiny island.

After reaching land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found.

Mr. Worthmore on the other hand was quite calm, and relaxed against a tree.

“Mr. Worthmore, how can you be so calm?” cried Tino. “We’re going to die on this lonely island. We’ll never be discovered here.”

“Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Tino.” began the confident Mr. Worthmore.
“Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so each got a million dollars.” stated Mr. Worthmore.

“What does that have to do with anything?” shouted Tino.

“Well, it’s time for their annual fundraising drives, and they won’t rest till they find me!” smiled Mr. Worthmore.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be.

It’s rough being an internet celebrity. I can hardly walk out to my car without hordes of fans clamoring for my autograph. Just the other day, PewDiePie was trying to follow me around for a taste of my fame, and I keep having to change my phone number because Fox and Friends won’t stop calling to get me to come on their show. You just don’t know how it feels.

Of course the truth is that I’m so anonymous that the only people who ever seem to notice me are the police cruisers looking to fill their quotas. Here lately they’ve been riding my bumper down the street when I’m on my way to work. I’m telling you, self-driving cars can’t get here fast enough. The sooner those pricks get put out of a job, the better.

In other news, I’m still breathing. That’s a plus. I think I really do enjoy that aspect of life. The other thing I like is the tomato on toast sandwiches I’ve been chowing down lately. For some reason my tomatoes keep getting smaller every week, but they still taste amazing.

For those who don’t know, Ohioans are required by law to grow tomato plants every summer. I’ve also taken to growing banana peppers as well. I love to pickle them and put them on my pizzas. I’ve always loved those jars of pickled banana peppers at the store, but these home gown ones really take it to the next level.

OK, so I just thought I toss out a few of these random thoughts for this week’s rant. I’ve got a ton of things to do, so until next time.

Pax,

-f2x