Comics
Gail’s Sunday Pic
Sunday, January 7, 2024
It's just so surreal...
Yesterday marked 10 years to the day of my mother's passing. Dad and I went out to dinner to pay homage in her memory. Like the decade before, I never would have dreamed we'd end up where we did.
I still maintain that somewhere along the way, I ended up in the "bad timeline". I'm not saying that things are all that bad, or that I regret my decisions. On the contrary, I'm where I am today in spite of my decisions. No matter what choices I could have made, this is where I was fated to be... and it's so unsatisfying.
On a lighter note
My comic is 20 years old this month! Think about it... 20 years ago I started putting pictures of stick figures up here in an attempt to dress up a rather boring hand coded html page. Seeing how it started and how it turned out is kind of neat. It has certainly gone through some dramatic changes from those original daily panels to my current sporadic offerings. I wish I could have combined the naive wit of my youth with my current "drawing" abilities. I've become far too jaded in my old age and it puts a damper on my creativity.
Of course looking back at some of my early work, I'm not so sure my "wit" was all that great either. The "art" was definitely bad... And now that I'm looking at it, the gags weren't really all that great either, but I was putting out a daily panel rather consistently for a while there.
Yeah, now that I think about it... those old comics sucked. As I'm glancing through them I feel myself cringing in disgust... Wow... Maybe I do have some regrets after all! Oh those wasted hours I spent navel gazing to come up with crap that makes Chis Chan look inspired! Thank god no one is actually reading this shit!
So to wrap it up...
Happy New Year, everybody! I'm really not sure how much stuff I'll add to Flush Twice in '24, but I'll get to it whenever I get the chance. Be sure to like and subscribe, and leave a comment down below if there's anything you'd like to see happen over the next 12 months.
Pax,
-f2xGET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
Yes, it’s a usable search function! Try it!
Monthly Archives: August 2018
Class Cheater
The teacher told Johnny to stay after class. “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny denied the accusation and told the teacher to prove it.
The teacher explained, “The first question on the test was ‘Who was the first President of the United States, and Mary, who sits next to you, put down George Washington, and so did you.”
“So what?” said Johnny. “Everyone knows he was the first President.”
“Ah, but the next question was ‘Who freed the slaves?’, and both you and Mary wrote down Abraham Lincoln,” remarked the teacher.
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.
“Yes, but the next question was, ‘Who was President during the Louisiana Purchase?'” said the teacher. “Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”
Yet Another Three Wishes Joke
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead had been stranded on a desert island for many years.
One day they found a magic lamp washed up on the shore. Together they rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
“I can grant three wishes”, said the Genie, “but since the three of you are together, you will have only one wish a piece.”
The three nodded in understanding, and the redhead stepped forward to make the first wish. “I hate it here. It is too hot and too boring. I want to go home!”
The genie’s voice boomed loudly, “Your wish is my command!” And off she went.
The the brunette went next and said, “I miss my friends and family. I want to go home, too!”
With a loud thunderous clap of his hands, the genie announce, “Your wish is granted!” And off she went.
The blonde looked around and started crying. She wiped the tears from her eyes and said, “There’s no one left and I’m all alone. I wish my friends were back here!”
The Perfect Penis
Little Suzy asked her friend Bobby what a penis was.
Bobby wasn’t sure, so he told Suzy he would ask his dad.
That evening Bobby asked his dad what a penis was. His dad exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, “Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see that this is a perfect penis.”
The next day Bobby met with Suzy behind a hedge.
Bobby pulled down his shorts and said, “Suzy, this is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!”
To Meet the Pope
Tom was a devout Catholic and heard that the Pope was coming to town. Hoping to gain the attention of the pontiff he bought a tuxedo.
He went to the parade in his formalwear and notice a bum standing a few yards away from him. The man had old, tattered and dirty clothes on, and looked to be in a very bad way.
It wasn’t long before the the Pope passed by. Tom was disappointed when the pope overlooked him and went over to the bum instead, but he was absolutely amazed to see the Pope speek to the man and whispered something in his ear.
The old bum quietly turned and began to wander away from the area. Intrigued by how the poor wretch was able to gain the attention of the Pope, Tom approached the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back.
The next day, Tom went back to the parade dressed in the bum’s clothes. Sure enough, this time when when the Pope came by he stopped in front of Tom and whispered in his ear: “I thought I told you yesterday to get the hell out of here!”
Joking in Japan
A Rotary visitor to Japan was giving a presentation. He opened up his speech by telling a joke that took him about two minutes to tell.
In under ten seconds and with very few words, the interpreter spoke to the audience and everyone erupted with laughter.
After the presentation, the visitor asked the interpreter how he translated such a long joke so quickly.
“The Japanese have a different sense of humor. They would not have understood the joke, so I told them, ‘Our guest has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh.'”
Sunday, August 5, 2018
As Seen on TV Audiences
Have you ever watched an infomercial and thought, “Wow, that looks pretty cool!”
You didn’t buy it though did you? Of course not. Why? Because you’re not stupid.
Most people learn from an early age that long format TV ads are peddling hype. Though not always, the product itself is usually of inferior quality. Once you get it, you quickly find that it’s not quite as amazing as the commercial made it seem. So when you hear that “Announcer Voice” telling you to “act now!” you disengage any primitive thoughts to call that toll free number. Good for you.
To be honest, I don’t watch a lot of TV these days. Mostly I watch whatever comes up on mBlip. But still, I catch the occasional broadcast channel, and when the commercials come on, I immediately and instinctively know the audience they’re targeting. When I start to see ads for ambulance chasers, term life insurance, Medicare supplements, and “As Seen on TV” gimmickry, then I know that the primary audience they expect to find watching that channel at that moment is feeble minded fools.
Of course I was watching that old “Gun Smoke” episode to feel retro nostalgic, but I suspect that many people watching it would find it plausible that the government faked the moon landings to cover up the alien invaders who kidnapped Elvis in order to make the baby Jebus cry. How that much cognitive dissonance doesn’t result in a cranial paroxysm is beyond me.
My point is, if your non-ironic regular TV viewing habits frequently subject you to this kind of advertising, perhaps you shouldn’t be voting in the next election.
Pax,
-f2x
This was not on the 4th
Find the Right Career
A young blonde was lying on her therapist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was with finding a job that would suit her.
“I tried to be an actress but couldn’t get cast,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary but couldn’t stand the environment. I tried being a writer and got nowhere with the publishers. I tried being a sales clerk and that didn’t work out either.”
The therapist thought for a moment and said, “For optimal mental health, it’s very important that you find a fulfilling occupation that’s right for you. Have you tried nursing?”
The blonde thought about it for a moment then stood up and took off her blouse. She pointed her bare and ample bosom toward the therapist and said, “Well go ahead. At this point I’ll give anything a try!”
The CEO’s Death
The receptionist answered the phone the morning after the CEO had unexpectedly passed away.
“Is Mr. Daulton there?” asked the caller on the phone.
“I am very sorry, but Mr. Daulton passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.
“Is Mr. Daulton there?” repeated the caller.
The receptionist was perplexed, “Perhaps you did not understand me. I am afraid Mr. Daulton passed away last night.”
“Is Mr. Daulton there?” asked the caller again.
“Ma’am, do you understand what I am saying?” said the exasperated receptionist, “Mr. Daulton is dead.”
“I understand you perfectly,” the caller remarked. “I just can’t hear it often enough.”