Mark was hiking along a mountainous trail when he lost his footing and slipped over the side of a cliff. After falling approximately 15 feet he ran into the branches of a tree growing out the side of the cliff.
While hanging on for dear life, he looked down and saw that it was at least a 200 foot drop to the bottom. In desperation he started calling for help. “Is anybody up there?! I’ve fallen over the side, and I need help!”
A loud booming voice that echoed through the mountains said, “I am the Lord. Let go of thy branch and ye will be safe!”
Mark could hardly believe his ears. This was indeed the voice of God, and it echoed loud and clear. Realizing this he looked down again at the 200 foot drop, looked up again, and cried out, “Is anybody else up there?!”
After getting a good look in the mirror, Bob finally realized why he couldn’t attract the hot ladies like he used to. He had gotten quite flabby and out of shape over the years, so to counter this he signed up for a membership at the local health club.
He had been working out daily for weeks, but didn’t seem to be making much progress. He went up to one of the fitness trainers and asked, “What machines should I be using to impress the ladies?”
The trainer quickly sized up Bob and said, “You might try starting with the ATM out in the parking lot.”
Delores special ordered her new car from the dealership. A few days later, the salesman called and politely informed her that her new car was ready to be picked up.
When she saw the vehicle for the first time, Delores was appalled, “No, no, no! That is not the color that I requested.”
Without missing a beat, the sly salesman explained, “Of course it is, madam. This is a freshly painted car, and it hasn’t had time to oxidize to the proper shade yet.”
A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order and saw that she was crying.
“What is wrong, miss? Are you ok?” he asked.
Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, “My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn’t it?”
The waiter talked with her a few moments and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, “Make a wish and blow!”
She closed her eyes and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her – they did not even know each others names – but hey, when you have got a hot blonde going down on you, are you really going to say, “No, do not do it?”
He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, “Did you like it?”
He said, “Yes, of course, you do it great, but I am just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock?”
She looked confused. “Well, I was just doing what you told me to.”
Now he is confused. “What I told you to?”
Smiling, she says, “Don’t tell me you forgot already. You said, ‘Make a wish and blow!'”
So this was the Memorial Day weekend here in the U.S., and it’s basically a holiday that either you don’t give a damn about, or you impose way too much significance. When I was a kid growing up in Ohio, it was the day my mom took fresh cut peonies to the cemetery, and us kids got to take off the day from school. As I got older, it was a day I got off from work. When I got in the military I found out for the first time that it was a day to remember those who died in the service of our country.
Now it’s back to just being a day I get to stay home from work. BFD, right? pretty much. Here lately my shoulder has been giving me trouble. I was hoping this long weekend would give me a chance to give it enough rest so it would self-heal. Needless to say, it’s not really getting any better. I guess I’m getting too old for the body’s magical regenerative properties to work effectively.
Oh, did I mention I got that promotion I was talking about? No, not that one, the one after. It seems I get to be group leader ahead of schedule. Can you imagine that? Me, a wisecracking smartass who operates a joke of the day site, gets to command a bunch of temps on a newly re-opened 2nd shift. Now that’s a twisted sense of humor!
The worst part is, I can’t keep anyone. They all keep quitting on me… Well, some of them weren’t worth a damn, and since a group leader can’t actually fire anyone, I just made sure they didn’t hurt themselves until management could fire them. The ones that actually put in a half-hearted effort simply found better jobs that paid better and moved on.
So that’s about it. No illustration this week. My shoulder hurts too much. Until next time.
A tourist was visiting a small Polynesian island when he came across a native man proudly displaying a necklace made from about twenty alligator teeth.
“I guess you must prize alligator teeth the way we value pearls,” said the tourist.
“More so,” said the native. “Anyone can open up an oyster.”
“I’m lonely,” Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. “I need to have someone around for company.”
“Okay,” replied God. “I’m going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious. She’ll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word.”
“Sounds good,” Adam said. “But what’s she going to cost?”
“An arm and a leg.”
“That’s pretty steep, ” countered Adam. “What can I get for just a rib?”
A midget was waiting to get on a bus when a busty blonde stepped on him.
The first time this happened, he decided not to say anything. However, once again the blonde stepped on him. He looked upwards and shouted, “Hey you big dumb brunette, watch where you’re stepping.”
She looked down and said, “I am not a brunette, I’m a blonde!”
The midget replied, “Not from where I’m standing, you’re not!”
I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.
Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.
Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.
Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.
The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.
Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.
After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.
The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.
They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.
Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.
That was the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.
And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.
I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.
Moments later, Alex died.
Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
