Monthly Archives: March 2018

Marty stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Marty explained, “and I want to hit the perfect shot.”

“You can forget about that!” his companion exclaimed. “There’s no way in hell of hitting her from here.”

Valerie and Linda were chatting over coffee, when Linda remarked, “All I want out of life is the four animals that my Mom always said I would need.”

Puzzled, Valerie asked, “Really and what four animals would that be?”

Linda took a sip from her coffee and said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it.”

Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing Southern women.

“I think Southern women are the prettiest,” one of them said.

“I think Southern women are the toughest,” said another.

The third said, “I think they’re the most polite of all women. That’s why they don’t like group sex.”

His friends looked at him, confused. “They don’t like group sex?”

“Nope, too many thank-you notes to write.”

The local vicar is having a bath, and he’s a little bored, so he decides to, ‘pleasure’ himself. He’s quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he’s just seen.

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings – it’s the window cleaner..

The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.

“50 quid” comes the reply.

“50 quid?!?” says the vicar, startled.

“Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv.”

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. The following week, the bishop’s round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar’s house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, “Lovely clean windows you’ve got there vicar, who does them for you?”

“Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job,” replies the vicar.

“Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?”

“Well,” replies the vicar, “fifty quid, actually”

“Fifty quid? Blimey!” says the bishop. “He must have seen you coming.”

Stan was a little nervous and embarrassed about his up-coming colonoscopy, so on a recommendation, he decided to have it done while visiting a few of his friends on the west coast, where the beautiful nurses at one clinic were allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As he laid naked on the table, the gorgeous nurse began to prep Stanly for the procedure.

“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse assured Stan.

“I don’t have an erection,” he replied.

“Maybe not,” the nurse gently cooed, “but I sure do.”

Three Italian nuns died and went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they were met by St. Peter.

He said, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be reincarnated as anyone you wish to be.”

The first nun said, “I want to be Sophia Loren..”

And, poof, she was gone.

The second said, “I want to be Madonna.”

And, poof, she was gone.

The third said, “I want to be Alberta Pipalini..”

St. Peter looked perplexed. “Who?”, he asked.

“Alberta Pipalini,” replied the nun.

St. Peter shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then took a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to St. Peter.

St. Peter read the paper and started laughing. He handed it back to her and said, “No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Alberta Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.

1. Beard abrasions on areola.