On Halloween, a tall, slim, elderly man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.
As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a Halloween party? ”
“Yeah, a costume party,” the man answered, “I’m dressed as my lousy love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln. Where is the connection?” protested the barkeep.
“The connection is that my last four scores were seven years ago.”
A few short chicken related jokes
What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?
If you’re kinky, you’ll use a feather.
If you’re perverted, you’ll use the whole chicken.
A guy went out to a bar dressed up like a chicken for Halloween. He met a girl that was dressed up like an egg. They hit it off and they ended up at his apartment after the bar closed. One thing quickly led to another and a lifelong question was finally answered. It was the chicken.
What’s the difference between meat and chicken?
You can choke your chicken.You can beat your meat. But if you beat your chicken, it dies!
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his dick got stuck in the chicken.
Car Care Conundrums
Back in 2009, as the world was crumbling around me, my late grandfather’s Chevy Cavalier had crossed a threshold I could no longer abide. I forget what the quoted repair cost was going to be, but there were enough things wrong with the vehicle that I basically signed over the title to have it scrapped. Shortly thereafter, I found a late ’90s Plymouth Breeze for $3000. Sporting power windows, power mirrors, and cruise control, it was a very modest step up from the Cavalier.
Three and a half years later, that Breeze was running rough. Rather than hassle with car repairs, I enlisted the help of my father, a former car salesman, to help me find another $3000 sedan. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed that I would consider a GMC Envoy that had an asking price of around $8000, but my father encouraged me to try it out. After the test drive in which the “Service Engine Soon” light came on, I offered them $4150 and they took the offer.
So back to the Breeze. About six months later the Breeze was still rusting behind my house. I decided to take it down to “AAMCO Total Car Care” because they were only two miles away and I could easily walk home after dropping off the car. Basically I wanted to know if it was worth fixing. A few days later I got a call from the manager. It was the way he said it, “For what it is, it’s not in bad shape.” He gave me the rundown of everything thing that needed to be done. The total cost was around $700.
I got my Breeze back a couple weeks later, and it was running as good as when I bought it. That’s when the Breeze became my beater.
Months and years passed by. With a certain degree of regularity, I had to limp the Breeze back to the AAMCO for repairs, but this time was different… The price tag was a daunting $1250 for the repairs. There comes a point that you have to walk away, and this was borderline. Reluctantly I approved the repairs and the Breeze seemed like everything was OK again.
Four days later, I had barely driven the car a hundred miles when I heard a knocking sound. Then there was the sound of demons emerging from the bowls of hell coming from under my hood. I’m not a mechanic but right then I knew: “Water pump.”
The next day I took the vehicle back to AAMCO dripping coolant along the way. I couldn’t believe that after all that money spent on the previous repairs, it immediately broke down again. My emotions were swirling as I left the Breeze at the AAMCO. If I walk away now, that $1250 would have been for nothing.
So the water pump actually comes as part of a “kit” that replaces a bunch of stuff. All the belts, including the timing belt, the tensioner, labor, and a few other things came to $730. I nearly cried.
It was late Thursday, and the Breeze was finally ready to come home. I climbed into the car, adjusted the driver’s seat, and started the engine. It sounded pretty much like it always does… but different. More confident. As I pulled off the lot, the engine really had a new lease on life. It felt like a much newer car. The ride was amazing.
The real question on my mind is, “Was it worth it?” I mean, if I had originally been given a figure of $1980, I would have walked away and scrapped the Breeze, but splitting it up like that… Oh, and it’s not like the mechanics planned it that way. There’s no way anyone could have predicted the moment water pump would fail even though the car has 170,000 miles on it. It ran fine up until it didn’t.
But since the timing belt is new, the engine seems so much smoother. Also, the original repairs included an alignment and new drum brakes, so it handles like a champ… But that’s still an awful lot of money to put into a 20 year old car. What I’d like to know is at what point do I actually say enough is enough, and sell the car for scrap?
Pax,
-f2x
Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.
“I entertained a cowboy last night,” says the first.
“How did you know he was a cowboy?” asks the second.
“Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together.”
“Sounds like a cowboy, all right,” the others say.
“I entertained a lawyer,” announces the second. “I could tell because he wore a three-piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time.”
They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
“I had a farmer for a client,” comments the third.
“How could you possibly know he was a farmer?” she is asked.
“Well first he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall.”
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God! Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“But it”s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend got out of bed, grabbed his clothes, and jumped out the window.
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he suddenly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town”s annual marathon. He started running along beside the others with his clothes tucked under his arm. He tried his best to blend in.
A small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved a long side. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” the man answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Only when it’s raining.”
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, “this should impress him!” He showed his son a machine and said,, “Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine we can put in a pig, and out comes the sausages.”
The prudish son, unimpressed, said, “Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?”
The furious father thought and said: “Yes son, we call it your mother.”
A recently married young woman was crying and pouring out her heart to the church’s appointed marriage counsellor.
“Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?” She sobbed.
The counsellor scowled. “Well young lady,” he said, “maybe that’s the problem, your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line!”
For you men who still don’t appreciate the perfection of female logic:
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it’s because men are scum.
Learning from Limits
So I mentioned in one of my earlier comics that I cancelled my home internet service. I’m actually a heavy internet user, so this left me with a serious problem. From an economic point of view, wireless data plans are not viable for long term, and Spectrum is the only landline option currently available in my area. So I figured I’d cancel Spectrum, “up” the wireless data plan, use the phone as a hotspot, and after a few months, crawl back to spectrum as a new customer.
It had only been 15 days, and I thought I’d check. Spectrum was already willing to take me back as a NEW customer! That means my internet cost dropped from $60 per month down to just $45. Since I’m still using my old modem I’m limited to 40mbps down and 11 up. That’s actually far better than before, and as far as I’m concerned, that will do quite nicely.
And in the nick of time too! I had used up all my LTE data. I was facing the next 14 days of 2G (128kbps) speeds. Even on it’s lowest setting, I don’t think you could watch Netflix.
So in about 12 months, remind me to cancel my service with Spectrum. My $45 a month deal only lasts for a year before it jumps to $65. Maybe by then wireless carriers will be more viable, but I doubt it. Still they’re a great “go to” to get your land line provider to drop their price back to a respectable figure.
Pax,
-f2x
