Mexican in a Jewish Nursing Home

A Mexican family was trying to find a nursing home for their grandfather. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

“How do you like it here?” asked the grandson.

“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” said Grandpa.

“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.”

“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,” said the grandfather. “There’s a musician here. 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!

“Then there’s the judge in here. 95 years old. Hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honor’!

“And there’s a physician here. 90 years old. He hasn’t practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’!”

Then with a proud smile, Grandpa said, “And me, I haven’t had sex in over 35 years, and they still call me ‘The Fucking Mexican!'”

Catching Rabbits

Paddy decided to go rabbit hunting, but when he got to his favorite field, he saw the village priest was already there.

Paddy watched with fascination as the priest held his finger over the rabbit hole, and immediately a rabbit popped out. The priest grabbed it and put it into a sack.

He repeated this unusual but very successful technique until his sack was full of rabbits.

Paddy stopped the priest and asked him how he did it.

“Easy,” said the priest. “Stick your finger in your wife’s pussy and wiggle it around a bit. When you hold your finger over a rabbit hole, they can’t resist the smell. When they pop their heads out, you grab them.”

Paddy rushed home to find his wife bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifted up her skirt and applied his finger as directed.

Without looking up, Paddy’s wife giggled, “Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?”

Newly Translated

Jon visited his local book store where they had a huge display with a sign saying, “Newly Translated from the Original French: 37 Mating Positions.”

The book was rather pricey, and every copy was wrapped in a plain brown wrapper. Intrigued, Jon just had to buy one.

Once he was safely at home, Jon eagerly tore off the wrapping and opened his new book.

It turned out to be an expensive book about chess!

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Drawing a Blank

It’s a little embarrassing when this happens, but it does. It’s not that there isn’t a lot to talk about, or my muse has taken leave. I’m just really busy right now with things. What kind of things? Well it’s the usual everyday things I’ve alway had to deal with, but these days there seems to be less time to take care of them.

So with all that’s going on, I can’t seem to come up with anything to talk about right now. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

Just wanted to point out something about that filler panel up there. That’s the “new and improved” Brandon. Looks kinda like the old Brandon, but the shading and texturing is done differently. I’m still working on it, but once I get it all done, it should have a cleaner, more professional appearance. Heck, even the couch and lampshades got upgraded.

Pax,

-f2x

The Dead Wife

Charlie called 911 and told the dispatcher, “I think my wife is dead.”

Trying to determine the nature of the situation, the dispatcher asked, “What makes you believe that she’s dead, sir?”

Charlie replied, “Well, the sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

Raising a Fireman

John ran into his old pal Joe and asked, “What are you doing these days?”

“I’m a fireman,” Joe replied.

“You know my 12 year-old son wants to be a fireman,” said John.

“Well,” explained Joe, “if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.”

Ten years later, the two old pals happen to meet again.

“Well, did your son become a fireman?” asked Joe.

“No,” moaned John, “but my daughter became a stripper.”

Meeting up in Hell

Deep down in the bowls of hell, an English lord and his Irish manservant ran into each other.

“My lord,” the Irishman exclaimed, “What is a nobleman like yourself doing here amongst the damned?”

The Englishman sighed, “I’m here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you? You were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?”

“For fathering that playboy son of yours,” the Irishman replied.

The Window Cleaner

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”

“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”

“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.

“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.”

Hallmark Cards You Won’t See (but would probably sell)

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
INSIDE: That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas…
INSIDE: I hope it’s your sister.

OUTSIDE: I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell ’til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking!

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody’s stupid
enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: I’m so miserable without you…
INSIDE: It’s almost like you’re here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend…
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?