While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.
“What’s this for?” she asked her husband.
“If you put a quarter in it,” he said while reaching into his pocket, “the bed starts vibrating.”
“Save your money,” she said with a wicked grin. “When you’re a quarter in, I’ll start vibrating.”
A woman was sitting at home one morning when she heard a knock at the door.
She went to the door and saw a man standing there. He asked, “Do you have a vagina?”
She slammed the door in disgust.
The next morning she heard another knock at the door. It was the same man and again asked the woman, “Do you have a vagina?”
And again she slammed the door on him.
When her husband came home that night, she told him what had happened for the past two days.
With love and concern the husband said, “Honey, I’ll stay home from work tomorrow just incase this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they heard a knock at the door. The husband whispered to his wife, “Honey, I’m going to listen from behind the door. I want you to answer yes to the question to see where he’s going with this.”
She gave her husband a nod and then opened the door.
Sure enough the same fellow was standing there asking, “Do you have a Vagina?”
“Yes I do.” said the lady.
The man replied, “Good! Tell your husband to use it and leave my wife’s alone!”
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Kenny went in to try out for the job. The sheriff knew that Kenny wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the box, but he humored himself by giving Kenny an interview.
“Okay, Kenny” the sheriff drawled. “What is 1 and 1?”
Without hesitating, Kenny replied, “If you put two ones together, it would be an 11.”
The sheriff was surprised by the unconventionally correct answer, so he then asked, “What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.”
He was again surprised that Kenny supplied an answer that was correct in a way he hadn’t thought of.
“Now Kenny, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
Kenny thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”
Relieved the sheriff smiled, “Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”
So, Kenny wandered home where his wife was waiting to hear the results of the interview. Kenny was excited, “I think it went pretty good! It’s only my first day on the job, and they already got me working on a murder case!”
“If you had a dollar,” quizzed the teacher, “and you asked your father for another dollar, how much money would you have?”
“One dollar.” answered little Johnny.
Shaking her head in disappointment the teacher said, “It would seem you don’t know your basic math.”
Little Johnny shook his head too, “It would seem you don’t know my daddy.”
Monica and her husband, Bob, had both gone on a diet together.
After the first two weeks, Monica suggested they should have a cheat day.
So the next night, Monica brought home a sack of burgers and a bucket of fried chicken.
Bob brought home his secretary.
Bot Rant
It’s been a little while since I mentioned this, but just in case you ever have trouble reaching Flush Twice from various locations, I figured you ought to know why.
The Flush Twice server gets requests every day. Virtually every request gets added to the log file. Sometimes it receives requests from actual humans, but other times it gets these requests that no human visitor would ever make. Now the best thing to do is to just ignore the weird inhuman requests, but sometimes the logs fill up with nothing but these weird requests. Next thing you know, your site is being Ddos’ed or hacked. For the longest time I was able to collect huge lists of username/passwords that bots would use in a vain attempt to gain access to this site. Good thing they never tried, “hunter2”. Oh wait… They tried that one as well.
So after a while I started to block IP addresses that were almost certainly bad bots. This list grew to huge proportions, and I was left with pathetically low visitor numbers. Seeing such low numbers made me sad, and I thought that perhaps I was blocking legitimate traffic from accessing the site. I deleted the block lists. The visitor numbers when back up, but the spammy site scraping behaviour returned. Off an on I’ve vacillated between blocking bots and not. At one point I even tried to create a website devoted to the problem.
Ultimately I gave up worrying about how many people actually visit this site. If there’s only five of you, the by golly, the five of you should have the best jokes and comics I can come up with! Even if no one is watching, this site is going to be here in case someone ever does. At the end of the day, I still like to point at this site and say, “I made this for you!”
The most recent scourge I’ve encountered is the site scrapers. They are kind of like spiders, only they disguise themselves as actual visitors. They don’t do a very good job of it, because they “scrape” through the site, trying to download every last page in under 15 minutes. This grinds my gears for a variety of reasons, but suffice to say, they aren’t doing it to the benefit of this site or its actual visitors.
And how many IP addresses do I block? That’s actually hard to say. These days, I block by seeing bot-like behavior, check who owns the IP address of the culprit, if they are a server farm I look up a list of all of the CIDR’s they own, then run that list through a script I cobbled together, document it and add it to the “deny from” section of my htaccess file. Currently there are nearly 16000 CIDR’s in this list. With each CIDR typically covering between 256 and 65536 IP addresses each, that adds up to a lot of places on the internet that are permanently blocked from accessing this site!
And while blocking that many IP addresses makes me a little sad, I didn’t block you. No, not you. You’re special. You’re the person I made this site for. You’re the reason I’m doing all this. It’s always been about you. Nobody but you.
Pleasant dreams.
Pax,
-f2x
During a heated argument, the wife got so mad at her husband, she told him to pack his bags and get out.
The husband momentarily glared at her in disbelief, but then quickly ran to the bedroom and started packing.
As he made his way to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “After I went through all the trouble of packing, now you’re wanting me to stay?”
10) Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
9) 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
8) Kick the bucket.
7) Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6) Doc, Doc, Goose.
5) Simon says something incoherent.
4) Hide and go pee.
3) Spin the Mylanta bottle.
2) Sag! You’re it!
And the #1 nursing home game:
1) Musical recliners.
A college girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since she started at the university.
“Mom, I have to tell you,” the girl confessed. “I lost my virginity last weekend.”
“I’m not surprised,” said her mother. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience.”
“Well, yes and no,” the girl remarked.
“Oh?” questioned her mother.
“The first eight guys felt great, but after that it got really sore.”
