Cloistered Carrots

The Reverend Mother went before her convent and informed them that she had good news and bad news. “The good news,” she began, “is that a local farmer has donated nearly a hundred pounds of carrots to our commune.”

The other nuns thrilled by their abundance, tittered quietly with joy.

After a moment, one of them asked, “So what’s the bad news, Mother Superior?”

The Reverend Mother furrowed her brow and replied, “He’s already had them peeled and sliced.”

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Route Planning

So if I had the time to sit down and explain everything that’s going on, then it probably wouldn’t be going on, because I obviously had the time to sit down and tell you about it.

Usually I have Sunday’s off, but even today I’ve been way too busy. I did manage to change the car’s serpentine belt that I ordered from Amazon two months ago, got an oil change, and I took the dog for a ride out to my new employer’s facility.

Oh, don’t get me wrong… I haven’t actually got the job yet, but I really want this job, and so far all the tests and evaluations have gone very well. Be that as it may, I’m literally on the wrong side of town to get to this place, so if I’m going to drive this every day, finding the best route is a bit of an imperative.

So I’m taking a half day at work tomorrow. Grace has to go in to the vet to have another growth removed. After a fine needle aspirate, the vet said it looks like it may only be a lump of fat cells, but given her history and the location of the growth, a lumpectomy is prudent.

So Grace is having surgery tomorrow, and I’m trying to get a new job with an employer that’s difficult to get to from here while maintaining my current job that continues to increase my workload while the company cuts everyone’s benefits and pay… But I’m sure our CEO will name his new boat after the company to show his esprit de corps.

Pax,

-f2x

Irish Mothers

Two Irish mothers were bragging about their sons.

The first one said, “My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

Not to be outdone, the second boasted, “Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” said the first mother, “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” announced the second, “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

The Witch’s Spell

A handsome young man was cruising in his open convertible one day. He came to an intersection and stopped beside an attractive young woman. Being a bit of a cad, he said, “Hey baby, wanna go for a ride?”

The woman accepted his invitation and climbed into the vehicle. As she closed the door, she informed him that she was a witch and could make him turn into anything that she wished.

“Go ahead and try!” he answered with a smile.

She leaned against him and whispered something in his ear.

And sure enough, he turned into a motel.

The Napoleonic Nutjob

A wild-eyed man dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte entered the psychiatrist’s office and nervously exclaimed, “Doctor, I need your help right away.”

“I can see that,” retorted the doctor. “Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem.”

“I don’t have any problem,” the man snapped. “It’s my wife, Josephine! She thinks she’s Mrs. Schwartz.”

Bad News is Good News

A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”

“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”

“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”

Siamese Sex

A guy at the bar hit it off with Siamese twins. After a few drinks they headed back to his apartment.

After he made love to one, he turned and started working on the other. He couldn’t help but think that the first one might get bored watching, so he asked her what she’d like to do.

She said, “Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone.”

And so she played the trombone while he had sex with her sister.

A few weeks later, the twins were walking past his apartment building. One of the girls said, “Let’s stop up and see that guy.”

The other replied, “Gee, do you think he’ll remember us?”

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Promising Career Change

I’m not old, but I’m not as young as I look either. I’m not going to tell you exactly how old I am, but I’ve been working for my current employer for 19 years, 4 months, and 10 days. When I started there, there were over 130 people working on three shifts. That number grew a little for a couple of years, and then that number started falling. Today we have about 31 people left working in the factory, and most of them are much older than I am with between 30 to 47 years of service. Several are considering retiring within 5 to 7 years.

The company is facing a retirement bubble. When those old-timers leave, there probably won’t be a company left. There have been a number of warning signs over the years. Less than two years ago they made everyone take a 5% pay cut because things were so bad. I’m making less money today than I was 5 years ago.

But 19 years is nothing to sneeze at! I’ve got a real history with these people. They are like family to me, but the writing on the wall is pretty clear. The CEO is not going to fix the long term staffing problem, and if I’m willing to stay there till they shut the doors, it’s unlikely that he will have any sympathy for my resulting joblessness.

So I set out to find a new employer…

…and I found one.

I’m going through their vetting process right now, and things are looking very good. It takes a few weeks to get through the process. When I get the job, I’ll be making more money and have plenty of opportunities for advancement. I’m really looking forward to showing them what I can do.

Of course I’m a little scared. Changing jobs can be risky, but no risk, no reward, and at this point I think the greater risk is staying at a company I’m not entirely confident will make it through the next decade.

Wish me luck!

Pax,

f2x