It was the start of Beggar’s Night, and the door bell rang.
Old Mr. Johnson opened the door to see a young boy in a suit and tie.
Before he knew it, the young boy reached into Mr. Johnson’s candy bowl and took almost half of the candy.
“What’s the meaning of this?” cried the old man.
“Can’t you tell from my costume?” said the young boy as he began to walk away without a hint of shame. “I’m an IRS agent!”
Do my side posts do anything for you?
Did you ever stop to think that I actually write these side posts? That’s right: I sit down and try to come up with my own original material to amuse and entertain in this sidebar. Even the little images in the corner are either photos I took, or original artwork that I created in a bitmap editor.
At first I was merely trying to be informative with regard to this website in these little asides, but as time went on I just started writing shit for the sake of entertainment. Kind of like that cheeky columnist in the “Life” section of your local newspaper.
I’ve noticed that I can sit down and read the stuff I write, not just here, but in forums, reviews, and e-mails. Occasionally I’ve actually found myself enjoying it, not because of how narcissistic I am, but because I thought the sentences and paragraphs were easy to consume. On more than a few occasions, I actually forgot I was the author of the text I was reading while I was reading it, and just enjoyed the way it “flowed”.
So does any of my original writing do anything for you? Do you even bother to read this text? I never get any feedback on it, and maybe that’s for the best, but no… I’d like to know. Do my stories entertain or bore you?
Let me know what you think in the comments. We’ve got new obviously stolen jokes lined up for Monday through Friday, so don’t forget to stop back and see them.
Pax,
f2x
[comments]
Karen and Mabel were having lunch together, and discussing their plans for cosmetic procedures.
Karen said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting getting lip injections.”
Mabel responded, “Oh really? I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached.”
Just then Karen burst out in laughter, “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
“Honey?”
“Yes, darling?”
“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”
“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,” she replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my sake?”
“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll do it for you. But for Pete’s sake, give me more than one!”
One day, Nancy received some terrible news. Her beloved grandfather had just passed away, so she went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 92-year-old grandmother and offer her some comfort.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, “It was a heart attack while we were making love on Saturday morning.”
Nancy felt that two people nearing 100 years of age probably shouldn’t be indulging in such dangerous passions, and said so to her grandmother.
“But you don’t understand, my dear, ” replied her gran. “Many years ago, fully realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ‘Ding’ and out on the ‘Dong’. ”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
“Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the Postman commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing ‘Who Am I’.”
The Postman thought for a moment and said, “How do you play ‘Who Am I’?”
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the “family jewels” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The postman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I”m sorry I missed it.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”
A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glances out her fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside.
Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress.
The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the windows.
Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative manner.
Still, the man just keeps working away.
Taking her striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and panties and begins parading around her room.
The window washer still takes no notice of her.
Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.
At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, “What’s the matter, lady, haven’t you ever seen a window washer before?”
I am in so much pain
It’s been a long week. I’ve worked a lot of overtime, and I ache like hell. If I hadn’t already put the jokes in the queue, I’d be saying “fuck it” right now.
We went to Foy’s
If you find yourself around Fairborn, Ohio in the month of October, you simply must make time to visit Foy’s on West Main Street. It a big Halloween celebration. Friday and Saturday nights towards the end of the month get really crowded. Vendors line the streets and people have a really good time.
OK, well that’s about all I have time for this week.
Pax,
-f2x
An 90-year old man was having his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One Sunday the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April, and the teacher said, “very good.”
April fell back to sleep.
After a while the teacher asked April a third question.
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!”
