An anxious mother was lecturing her young daughter on the issue of sex morality.
“If you’re ever tempted while out on a date,” she warned, “Don’t forget to ask yourself this one question: Is one hour of pleasure worth an entire lifetime of shame?”
“Gee, Mom,” asked the girl, “How do you make it last an hour?”
A traveling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel lonely and horny.
He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender what men did for fun around here.
The bartender told him to go to room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa.
He did. Soon the door opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen.
“Hi, I’m Vanessa, and I’m $20,” she said.
Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered.
“Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone,” she said. “I’ll send up Angela.”
A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and fucking.
Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the salesman found himself in the same bar, talking to the same bartender. “Bet you don’t remember me,” he said.
“Sure I do,” replied the bartender. “You’re the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That’s your son at the end of the bar. He’s been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy.”
The salesman went over to the boy and said, “Son, I think I may be your daddy.”
The boy said, “Great! What is my last name?”
“Bardowski,” the salesman said.
“Oh, no,” said the boy, “you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I’m Polish?”
“Hey, kid,” the salesman said, “it could’ve been worse. Two dollars more and you’da been black too!”
Yusuf had been arrested outside a nightclub in New York city and was being grilled by Homeland Security.
“This is all a big misunderstanding,” pleaded the suspect. “I’m not a terrorist!”
“That’s not what the arresting officer told us,” replied the interrogator. “He said you were planning on blowing yourself up to sleep with 72 virgins!”
“That’s preposterous!” cried Yusuf. “All I said was, I’m dying to get laid!”
So I haven’t actually gotten all the jokes ready for this week… Not going to bullshit you, I’ve just been working on other things. I’ll try to get this queued in time, but if you tune in on Tuesday and it’s still Monday’s joke, it’s not because I died or anything.
In case you’re wondering how my “jihad” against the webcrawlers and botnets is going, it looks like I slowed them down pretty good, but there’s no way to get rid of all of them. The worst of it is under wraps, and I’m tired of playing whack-a-mole for the moment.
So that’s it. If we don’t get all the jokes in this week, well… that’s just how it goes. Thanks for understanding.
Pax,
-f2x
Shaun went to see his manager about an opening in sales.
The manager wanted to test Shaun’s ability and handed him his laptop. “I want you to try and sell this laptop to me,” said the manager.
Quietly, Shaun put the device under his arm, walked out of the office, and went back to his old desk.
The confused manager eventually went over to Shaun and said, “Give me back my laptop now.”
Calmly Shaun replied, “$100 and it’s yours.”
Three gay men died, and were cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, “My Kenny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.”
The second man said, “My Mark was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”
The third man said, “My Harold was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.”
A guy picked a woman up in a nightclub and took her home.
While they were walking home he didn’t say a thing.
“You’re not the communicative type, are you?” she said as they were undressing.
“Nah,” he replied and pulled out his pecker. “I do all my talking with this.”
“Damn,” said the girl as she leaned forward to look. “That doesn’t say much either.”
A cab driver saw a woman hailing him along a busy street.
He pulled over and was surprised when she got in and sat down beside him in the front seat.
She gave him an address and they drove off.
When they arrived at her address, the cab driver stopped and shut off the meter. “Okay, ” he said, “that will be eighteen fifty, please.”
The woman looked over and said to him, “To tell you the truth, I don’t have any money. But,” she said, pulling her skirt up to her waist, “maybe this will take care of it.”
The cabbie looked down and said, “Jeez, lady don’t you have anything smaller?”
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet, and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
We’ve got five more jokes lined up for February 8th through the 12th. It’s almost like there’s a pattern to this site’s behavior.
If you’ve been following the sidebar saga (to which I doubt anyone has), you’d know that I’m usually pissing and moaning about the back-end of this site and how search engines and bots get under my skin. Think of it like this:
Imagine you had a machine that made soft cuddly teddy bears to give away to people who love soft cuddly teddy bears. It can make hundreds of varieties of teddy bears endlessly. Now imagine a hygienically impaired, fat, hairy, shirtless thug walked up to the machine and started pushing the teddy bear dispensing buttons. The machine makes the teddy bears and dispenses them. Now the smelly beast rips off the soft cuddly skin of the bear and pulls out the stuffing. He puts the stuffing into a bin to use in his disposable diaper making facility and keeps pressing the dispensing button on your machine day in and day out.
Now as each of your bears leave the machine, they get one chance to tell you what kind of loving home they went off to. And while a few of them leave you a message that they went to a fine home in Kansas, or Canada, or England, or France… The vast majority of them report they had their heads ripped off by some dirty bastard working for a shit factory.
So in this story, my jokes and comics are the teddy bears, and the bots and spiders are the fat, smelly bastards. My goal is to make it easy for the good and wonderful people like yourself to come get your free teddy bear, while keeping out the scumbags that just want the rip apart the bears for their raw materials.
Maybe I take it a little too personally, but this is my little corner of the web, and I think I have an obligation to ensure it’s used as it was intended.
pax,
-f2x
